


butterfly effect

by mattsundae



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, 進撃の巨人 | Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, eventual smut if I feel like it, focuses a lot on readers personal story n motives, kinda enemies to lovers ???, levi is so romantically awkward, starts out before canon story & will cover s4 stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27682112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattsundae/pseuds/mattsundae
Summary: ❝You have been born in order to make a difference, and you did, in my life.❞You are the puppet, born to think you are made for others. The broken crystal, begging to be fixed.You are the innocent, who ends up getting punished. A pessimist, that thinks the world you live in is nothing but unfair. Someone crazy, that wants to change it.You are the lover, the believer. You are hope and freedom. You are the hidden trump card under a wretched bloodline. You are the unexpected.You are the caterpillar, that turned into a butterfly.And he’s the lucky man, who was with you every single step of the way. The one who opened your eyes to the beautifulness of the unfair. The man who got to see everything.The one that fell hopelessly in love with all of you.
Relationships: Levi & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) & Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/You, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Levi/Reader
Comments: 30
Kudos: 128





	1. caterpillar’s fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weoweoweoweowoe new fic

**act i. fly**  
— how does one become a butterfly? you have to want to learn to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar

**YEAR 845** , just after Wall Maria fell.

"Attention!" 

Keith Shadis' —now ex-commander of the Survey Corps— voice boomed through the entire camp, everyone saluting out of plain fear. 

"This year, things have gone to shit with the arrival of the Colossal and Armored Titans. I understand most of you human shit stains present come from seeing the true nature of the monsters that make us cower behind these walls." Hands on his back and intimidating as ever, he walked over the never ending lines of cadets. 

Never fails, the expression on their faces. 

In that moment, he could pinpoint everyone who had an experience so terrible they had to end up in the military. It was close to amusing for someone like him. 

A coward in your eyes nonetheless. You recognized him as the man who used to proudly lead the Scouting Legion. At least that's what your older brother used to boast around the house. Proudly, too. 

Another man who found himself too scared by the utter truth that is life in this world. 

Both hands behind your back, much imitating the man parading the area, you ignored the whimpers coming from the unlucky ones who got approached by Shadis. You could care less about what they had to say for themselves, and it's not like they needed more unwanted attention.

"So now, you will be spending three years of your pathetic lifes dedicated to building up yourselves as some sort of not shitty little crybabies. Some of you will end up defending and working on the very Walls that protect us, in hopes that this incident will not be repeated." Rows upon rows of people. He was getting closer to where you were. 

"A few of you lucky shitheads will waste your remaining years still being a disappointment to all, but at least you will be in the interior serving the king, and doing absolutely nothing for a big amount of money." 

Right after chewing out a boy too enthusiastic about joining the Military Police for his own good, he made his way through your row —now focused back on his earlier speech. 

"And the rest, the rest will be fighting back."

You knew he was going to finish up his emotional monologue with some worthy sentence he has been practicing for long. And yet his harsh glare landed on your frame. 

"And where the hell is your salute, cadet?" He practically spat in your face, revolting truly. This man was scary up close, all reactions to his interrogation began to make sense. 

Gulping, you ignored the tiny drop of sweat going down the side of your face. "Not here." 

If this had been an average school class you were sure everyone would have laughed; it was the silence that was making you regret your stupid decision. 

Not like it was a decision, there was something in your body that was ordering you not to salute. 

"Sir." 

"I'm not a man." 

Weren't you just the funniest person. He should have mentioned in his motivational speech that some of you would die trying. 

Even the Military Police seemed greater than spending more than 10 seconds under the scrutinizing eyes of this man. 

You didn't notice how close he had been until he leaned further back. "So you think you are so humorous. What's your name, shit for brains?" 

Not even bothering to waste time, your voice suddenly found its way. "Y/N, sir!" 

His eyes glinted enough to let you know the answer satisfied him. As fast as it came, his face was now back to the usual perpetual anger. 

"Y/N, what?" 

Mouth shut tight, your eyes found his own and stayed there. After a few awkward seconds it was apparent he took the hint, judging by his latest comment. 

"I see, so your last name is with your salute." Your head moved down. "And where do you come from, scum?" 

Nicknames aside, you knew that by telling the truth he'll just despise you even more. But it was part of who you were, there was no need to be ashamed of it. 

"Wall Sina, from the capital Mitras." 

Now sure that everyone had a mental image of who you probably were, Keith Shadis still looked down at you as if you were a puzzle —an enigma. 

Which, all in all, you were. It was not everyday someone from Mitras joined the military ranks. More concerning was the fact that said Mitras citizen did not have a last name, knowing that everyone from the capital comes from rich families; some even directly associated with the royalty. 

You did not mind the captious stares, nor the arising rumors and whispers among the big group, as long as the man in front of you did not catch on. He did not look like he thought it through. You could clearly hear his astonishment due to his answer 'another baby in diapers who thinks they've got it all, soon to be in the Military Police.' which came more as a whisper than anything else. 

You had to bite your tounge, hard. 

"So now will you enlighten us on why you won't salute? Surely you know how important and serious we take it here."

Nodding, you took a big breath. "With all due respect, I don't think someone should salute if they don't mean it. If it's so important, it must come from the very heart you lay your fist on." 

The moment Keith Shadis took a step back in utter shock, you could have swore you had been close to losing your composure. 

His eyebrow rose, frown tight as it had been this whole morning. "You don't think I'm worthy of a salute." 

"Sorry sir, but I can't offer up my heart to someone who used to be the leader of freedom, now reduced to a simple bystander. Judging by the game pieces, I have my reasons to believe you are as scared as half of the cadets here." 

You had never seen a Titan, yet you've seen enough throughout your life to feel unaffected by his remark about not being aware on the world's toughness.

He was ready to take leave, to scare another poor soul shitless, but he still remained in front of you. "You've got spark, I'll give you that." 

The breath you had been holding left your body. 

"Let's see how bright it is after spending 14 evenings running nonstop without dinner." 

Fucking hell, you had never been closer to leaving right in front of his face. But you had to be strong, and remain in your place. 

This was what he wanted. 

After some more brief interrogations, Keith Shadis stood in the center of the training area. Voice loud, not that you were surprised. 

"So then I ask you, cadets of the 103rd promotion. Who will you build up to be?" 

Your hand gripped the small golden shape dangling from a thin chain. You needed to do this, for it was what you were fighting for —who you were fighting for. 

You would become a butterfly, and take flight on the first chance you got. 

After all, it was in the very last name you hid.


	2. rule of three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we’ll get to see levi ;)

After 14 gruesome days of training with no nightly meals to compensate, it was time to see who was actually fit for being a soldier. 

As much as Shadis wanted to see you break apart due to the conditions you were enduring —meaning the little shit made you watch your comrades eat— your spark did not die out. Dim, maybe, but it was there. 

"Listen up, future titan fodder! When the signal is sent you will make your way to the center camp. It's time we test your balance and send the incompetent failures to work on the fields."

Unaware —or rather ignoring— of the looks you got as you scarfed down your bread, your brain tuned out Shadis' words while you tried to focus on eating enough to not faint once the sun was in your face and your harnesses strapped on. 

According to your brother's explanations, you would be assessed on your balance to later use ODM. Your leg moved up and down repeatedly, taking bite after bite of the stale lunch you were offered. 

You hadn't even gone outside and you were already sweating. In your defense, it wasn't like you couldn't afford to fail; if you were to, you would torture the Commandant until he let you stay. 

"Come on you mutineer, the bell has already rung." The hand on your head left as soon as you looked up. Turning back to face the door, you saw his figure going past it. 

It took you a few seconds, but after arranging all your cutlery in a more organized way you picked yourself up and made your way outside. 

"Come on Karl, wait for me!" Arms crossed, he stood still with a disquieting expression. If it weren't such a crucial day in your development as soldiers, he would be lecturing you yet again. 

That is precisely how you met your new friend, Karl Schultz. Three days after your punishment began, he caught you on the way to the showers after hours of endless running. Not caring about the mumbled 'excuse me' that you managed to spit out despite your erratic breathing, he took you by the collar of your shirt —sat you down— and launched into a 30 minute rant about your 'unforgivable' insubordination. 

Since that day he spent his breaks by your side, making you assume you were friends to a certain extent. You introduced yourself to him, and found out his brother was graduating soon. The way he spoke so ostentatiously of his doings and plans to join the Scouts brought a grin to your face. 

You weren't so different after all. 

He has never called you by your given name, preferring 'mutineer' instead. Nevertheless, his company wasn't unwelcomed. All of you were strange in your owns way, doubtlessly.

Catching up to him, the two of your made your way to the mass of people around three stations. Cadets were already pending from two wires, some were in their element the same way others were kissing the ground beneath them. 

The latter were sent to a wagon. You shuddered at the defeat written all over their faces. 

"If you want to move on you are going to need to stop shaking you know." Karl's voice echoed in your ear, your eyes following his finger until you saw your own legs quiver. 

Moving a bit closer to him, you whispered back. "Some of us lack self-confidence. I don't have the best balance." 

"Find it then. If there's a will there's a way." You hummed to yourself. Despite all the rebel-mutineer bullshit, your drive never made it past him. 

You had no time to answer back. Right at that moment a boy was elevated off the safety of the ground, your eyes widening at how still he was. Not a single limb trembled, nor he moved to stabilize himself. 

As if it was his natural position. 

From your side you could see Karl's dark eyes brighten at the sight. They boy was lowered back to earth, quickly scurrying off opposite to where the two of you observed. 

Glancing in the direction he left, Karl murmured. "He's good." 

All you could offer before his name was called was a nod. 

Patting his back as a form of encouragement you sent him off. You took no time in getting back to your nervous plight, sure that Karl was not going to have a single issue. 

Indeed, ignoring how irked he was because he could not surpass the guy from before, he aced the trial. 

Not a minute later, the only one standing in between you and that test was none other than Keith Shadis. 

"Ready now, you insignificant insect?"

You already got used to not listening to a single word the man said. The sun rays caught a glint of your pendant, you pressed it closer to your chest. 

With everything now secured, Shadis gave the cadet behind you a look. That was all it took for your feet to slowly leave the floor, and a few seconds later the screeching of the mechanism stopped. You were completely lifted off the ground, nothing to hold you steady now.

Ecstasy itched to show, but the lone 3 seconds you stood still ended too soon. Thus, you spent a good 2 minutes flailing your arms and legs like a headless duck in fear of falling back. 

Embarrassing enough, you were going back and forth, too close to doing a whole spin. Though you were standing up, right? That had to count —it sure had been enough for you.

Agonizing minutes passed by, and before you knew it your feet were back in their righteous place. You were too busy praising whoever was above for not ending up getting knocked out when Shadis —clipboard in hand— neared you. 

"Watching you was giving me a stroke, slug, but you passed." In that moment you swore you were done with him for the rest of the year. 

"I better see you at Scout level by the end of your training!" 

Possibly you were done with him for the rest of your life. That was all going through your mind when he chucked a pebble your way due to your groaning. 

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

"Watching you balance yourself was painful. You are an embarrassment for the ones who scored a pass."

The instructors waved the ones who had finished off for the rest of the day. Settling for a peaceful walk in the woods around the camp, Karl had tagged along without doing so much as asking. 

You would not have minded if he wasn't such an ass. Talk about bad company, someone's shit could have held a more uplifting conversation with you. 

"Whenever your birthday is, I will get you a dictionary." Karl huffed, but still kept his pace. 

"I already have one at home. Mind you, just because you Mitras people have everything doesn't mean the rest of us are poor."

The two of you kept going steady. Out of the corner of your eye you felt Karl's glare on you, waiting for an answer to his jab. 

"Truth is, if I was given the chance to be born elsewhere I would have taken it without hesitation." Looking at a bewildered Karl was more than enjoyable. "That aside, I recommend you take the pages with peaceful and quiet and eat them. Who knows how much you could learn from that."

You missed the several blinks it took for Karl to process all you had said. With a dismissive cough and a deep chuckle, he stuffed his hands inside his jacket's pockets. "Doesn't change the fact that you suck ass with the harnesses."

"Oh come on! I may be bad at it but I shine in other disciplines. Besides, I have problems to manage it. The fact that I didn't fall was shocking on its own." 

"Truly." He had the nerve to laugh at your rambling, fully aware that his words riled you up enough. "Say now, what are those problems that y—" 

Karl did not get to finish his question due to your hand slapping over his mouth. Before he could protest, you put your index finger over your lips and your other hand away —that repellent man with an animal complex had licked it.

Disgusted, you turned towards a forest area covered in between bushes and thick foliage. Your finger lead the way, and you were not stunned by the hushed footsteps little ways behind your own. 

Without a single word both of you made way past the vegetation and came across a large tree. 

"There." You nudged with your head at a frame faintly covered by the branches. It remained surprisingly still, not having noticed the two of you. 

"There, where?" Your companion looked around before halting right in front of the stranger's place. When he looked up at the shadow, you had never heard such a high pitched scream ever in your life.

The figure jumped, but caught its balance and remained in place. "You shouldn't be so loud in the forest! You are going to scare the fauna away." Branch by branch, with Karl's muttering about how creepy whoever it must be was, the unknown person descended to the base of the tree. 

Your mouth opened, voice overstepping Karl's. "It's you, the guy with the flawless balance in today's test!"

Said guy scratched the back of his head, answering with a straightforward 'yes'. Noticing the sparkles reflecting on your pupils, your friend carried on with the conversation. 

"Yes man, it was truly a sight. What's your name?" 

In a greeting fashion, he put his hand up to both of you. "Right, I'm Oskar Forst. It's a pleasure to meet you, uh." 

Copying his mannerisms, you introduced yourself and your friend. The smallest smile etched its way onto your face, reciprocated by the boy in front. 

"Well then, Y/N I believe you were the one who did not salute during the welcome ceremony." The heat made its way to your cheeks. You did not want to be forever remembered as that one girl. "Don't get me wrong though! I found it to be quite a good reason, and considering you are still here in one piece Shadis may have thought so as well."

"Doesn't change the fact that she's a little mutineer." You did not need to think very hard about who mumbled that.

Oskar faced Karl with the same easygoing smile. "And nice to meet you Karl, I could see from up there that you are not bad with your balance either." 

It was hard to believe that someone with such a friendly laugh could have been chewing you out mere minutes ago, yet you ignored it the same way he did your deathly glare. 

"You've got sharp eyes huh?" 

Oskar chuckled, head nodding at his words. "You guys too." He looked at Karl's frown, as well as your furrowed brows. "I mean, this place is very well hidden. A keen eye got you here, right?" 

Karl placed his hand on the top of your head —much like earlier in the morning. "It was actually mutineer over here who lead me this way, not sure how she did it." 

Now with both of the boys' attention on you, curious eyes met your own ones. "It's something I've developed growing up. You see, most of my outings were in the dark, so I worked my sense of touch to the limit. I don't have the best sight, and my other senses aren't special either, but my ability to feel through vibrations and touch alone has been more than satisfying to me. Spatial awareness I guess." 

Telling a partial truth wouldn't hurt them.

Their gazes never left you, not even when you glanced downwards at your covered necklace. "I've become hypersensitive in a way. I feel so many presences and objects on a day to day basis that persistently keep me on my toes. Sounds stupid, but it's hard for me to work on balancing myself when I could just use the skills I already know of." 

Once their display had been over, and after Karl's 'I admire you for possessing such a skill, but it does not change the fact that you still are a mutineer' speech, the three of you walked back to camp. 

"We took a long break." Both, Karl and you yawned. He turned to the other boy beside him. "What were you even doing up there?" 

You could make out a modest blush in his pale cheeks. Eyes diverting somewhere else. "I was observing the species that reside here, see if there are any rare ones. I record my findings in a book I have." 

Oskar waited expectantly for the laughter that came with his statement, but all he received was incredulous stares. 

"That's really cool, you should show me the book one day. I want to see what you've encountered." With a loud affirmation, Oskar agreed to your proposal. 

"Still," Karl brought his finger to his lower lip. "why are you in the military if that's what you indulge yourself in?"

The mood darkened, you were about to scold Karl for such an ignorant question yourself when Oskar found his words. "My father's job consists on making books of new plants and animals, a collector of some kind. There's not much else inside the walls besides what he has already studied, and now my family is struggling to get by. I was hoping to join the Scouts and find new species outside this jail trap for my dad to add to his collection." 

There was silence, Oskar's doubts worsened. It was either being called an ignorant suicidal maniac or a selfish delusional. To his surprise, the two of you offered him your most delighted looks. 

"Isn't that a sacrifice? I've got a lot of respect for you, Oskar. I'll have you know I plan on joining as well, same with mutineer over here. The three of us can go together." 

As you and Karl made your way back, Oskar stood by —eyes focused on the two of you. He had expected to be regarded as self-centered because he was not enlisting for the future of humanity, but it seemed that you two didn't pay attention to that detail. Or you did not care. 

"Hey! Are you coming?" You waved at him, causing him to snap out of his trance. Jogging, he caught up to you. Now happy that he found new friends —or rather they found him. 

As Karl went on a convincing argument for Oskar to teach him better balance now that they were going to the same place, you took your time to bask in their presence. While Oskar was taller, Karl was your height if not a tad shorter. The former had slightly defined muscles, most likely due to all the locations he has had to go through to collect samples.

There was a fine contrast in between Karl's dark hair and tanner skin and Oskar's slightly paler one. Although his hair wasn't as bright, having a color similar to dark wood that complimented his chocolate colored eyes —in that aspect he was closer to Karl's onyx ones. 

A butterfly flew around your head, landing on your cheek. It brought an immediate smile to you, going back through all you had to get by to be where you stood. 

Now that you had your very first friends, you were sure your family was proud of you. Yet, the sudden pang in your chest reminded you the whole reason you were in this position to begin with. It was not meant to be you here, it never had been.


	3. genesis

You had been 15 when you enlisted for the 103th Cadet Corps, Karl and Oskar too. Now at 18, the three of you had to overcome one last challenge, graduation.

As if Keith Shadis hadn't made these last years a living hell. You may not have learned how to use the gear at all, and ate more trees than the entire population of insects combined, but at least you now knew several dark magic tricks from a fake, cheap book that proved to be useless in 'incidentally' hurting the Commandant.

Needless to say, waving goodbye to him while the rest saluted won't be saddening. You hoped that the newly named 'punishment room' was put to good use by some new cadet from the 104th. Your eyes were set on that one 'potato girl' some cadets from your year laughed at. 

Making Shadis' life a nightmare was a lifestyle —an art for the most prepared. 

"Listen up cadets from the 103rd!" The instructors were gathered in front of all of you, Shadis head and center. "I will be calling the names of the 10 cadets who have surpassed the rest. If you are mentioned, you will have the privilege of being able to join the Military Police." 

Good to know that one of the very few common traits the two of you shared was your dislike towards the Military Police. To get rid of spots in their ranks, you were willing to be part of the top 10. It was the only reason you had for being on it, podiums hadn't been something you cared about.

Starting with the names, you paid no mind to the elated cadets that stepped up once they realized they made it to the big leagues. 

Now one step closer to your goal, you could not help but feel that things were finally getting better. Remorse suffocated you every single day, and magically you've learned how to fight against it enough to be able to breathe for 5 seconds. It wasn't much, but considering everything —from the wood to the dry grounds of the cadet training area— acted out as a constant reminder of your older brother, you allowed yourself to call it a mini defeat.

There was much to do, the path was long and unpaved. However, you liked to think that you were not walking alone anymore. That was sufficient for the time being. 

Besides, you had improved. Everyday you got better, and that strength was still long ways from being perfect. 

It was a start, a good one at that. All was in the glint from the reflection of the very necklace that had been around your neck since the start. 

"Number 8, Karl Schultz!" 

This was the beginning, it was hidden under the almost black eyes of your companion. He would get to see his brother and fight alongside him. 

You grinned, proud that he had secured his own spot as the 8th best. At the thought of one less cadet in the Military Police it turned mischievous, to later go back to a frown at the long rants you'd have to listen to because he had not gotten first place. 

The cogs on his head couldn't have been more visible as he most likely thought of reasons why he should have placed higher. You were already dreading the coming days, especially when your own name had been called for 5th place.

Devising plans on how to avoid Karl for the next few days, your feet made their way towards the growing line. Had you been less distracted by your strategizing you would be whooping and skipping around. Less Military Police recruits, more peace of mind for you. 

Perhaps you had to let that go before it got to your head. 

You could feel Shadis' sneer from where you were below him. Gathering your thoughts, a smirk adorned your features once your eyes had met his. 

He hated you as much as you hated him. You had been relieved by that fact. Acting as if he hadn't been a pain in the ass while faking tears in between 'I will miss you, thank you for everything' was not in his nature, nor was it in yours. 

The only thing you had to thank him for was letting you graduate after 'accidentally' grazing his leg with the gear's hook one time —maybe twice. 

Safe to say you had not gotten close to Scout level ODM gear use.

Graduation went by smoothly, and so did the couple of days afterwards. Oskar ended up getting in the third spot, which had been very well deserved considering that his already mouth dropping skills improved drastically throughout 3 years. 

Without realizing it, a few days had passed and the three of you stood with the rest of your cadet class as Erwin Smith —the Scouting Legion's actual Commander— gave a speech that could have very well rivaled one of Karl's on a good day. You knew it had been much superior due to his lips never touching throughout the whole thing, it was concerning wether his jaw was dislocated or not.

Death, suffering and if you squinted hard enough, hope. That was the summary of his argument, having been brutally honest about it. Even managing to make your stomach churn by the cruel statistics he brought up. 

Doubt clouded the room, even Karl and Oskar, who were determined as ever, were thinking it through. Hell, for a second you were close to reconsidering, knowing full well the Scouts was just a big fest of defeat. 

Yet you did not make a move; neither did your friends. That night as everyone left for the safety of the interior or the Walls, you waited. Not that you didn't understand the rest of the cadets, having Wall Maria breached had left everyone on edge. No one wanted to casually encounter the 2 perpetrators of the attack while on a stroll outside. 

The only difference between them and you, was that you had gone through much more. You were a coward that was forced to be brave, they had been born cowards and raised as such. Pity. 

By the time the last person left to join somewhere else, there were very few people left standing. Oskar had been shaking, but you were aware he was also forced to become brave through his life conditions. 

Karl's drive to prove himself to his brother had been strong as well, and he had been on your right side the whole time. Fear and admiration were pooling on his eyes, he had not regretted his choice one bit. 

Fist over his heart, Erwin offered all of you his most heartfelt salute that you somehow realized wasn't very heartfelt, just for show. He did not care about a single one of you. Even knowing that yourself, it did not stop the terrified cadets from reciprocating said gesture. 

From the very front you were aware of the narrow ocean blue stare directed at your figure —arms behind your back as you fiddled with your fingers. 

With that, it was over. Karl, Oskar and you had become Scouts.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Days later, the three of you arrived to headquarters on horseback. A beautiful castle, old yet elegant, in display for all of you to see.

"Beautiful huh?" A man with a white bandanna around his head, Dita Ness, said as he helped the new recruits' horses to the stables. "This will be your new home for your remaining time in the Survey Corps. You will be sharing rooms with a bunch of your friends, isn't that nice?" 

He went on about how training will start tomorrow and that today was the perfect opportunity to get acquainted with the environment here. Oskar looked content at that, itching to check out every corner and crevice. On the other hand, the other one next to you searched impatiently for whom you could assume was his brother.

Ness dismissed all of you with a wave, everyone sparsing to find something to do or observe the veteran Scouts train. The three of you settled on a slow stroll throughout the perimeter, Oskar pointing and explaining several animals and plants he recognized. 

Catching yours and Oskar's attention, a butterfly fluttered around some flowers he had called daffodils. "You really like butterflies don't you?" Not taking your eyes off the flying insect, your head moved without notice to confirm. 

"It's a family thing, I was born with a liking for them." Said butterfly landed on your nose, getting a titter from you. 

Additionally, Oskar smiled. "They seem to like you too. Maybe it's your ancestors way of saying they are watching you, bringing you safety." 

Your previous titter turned into a full laugh, openly mocking his statement. "That's stupid." 

"Trust me, there are people that believe in it." 

Unwittingly, one of your hands clasped your necklace. The abrupt movement causing the butterfly to leave your face and fly off. If it was true, then you wouldn't have experienced all you had, and would instead be living a blissful life with your family. 

Even so, if your family was watching now, it was to get some closure and wait for your demise. 

The image of your older brother practicing everyday in the garden, eager for the few months of summer to end so he could go on his way to enlist for the military, flashed in your head. 

"Are you ok?"

Thanking Oskar in your mind for interrupting your thoughts from streaming further away, you blinked. Reality hit you, and you were back to staring at his concerned grimace. 

"It's the first time I've seen you look so lost, are you feeling fine?" 

Recognition flared in your eyes, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. His hesitation —his look alone— was making you sick.

With the firmest tone you could muster, you gave him a set answer. "Yes." He was opening his mouth to add something else when Karl's voice reached your ears. 

"Gunther!" 

Before heading over to the group Karl was walking towards, Oskar turned to you. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this moment will be brought out sometime later.

You were dead set on avoiding said topic. Vague information if needed, but you could not give them puzzle pieces to connect if you hadn't even connected them yourself. 

Karl called the two of you over, 4 other people standing with him. Taking notice of the soldier right next to him, standing tall and wholehearted, you hushed to the pale man. 

"We really got stuck with the ugly brother." His deep sigh acted as confirmation. 

The younger sibling was the most elated you've seen him since the one time he beat you in hand to hand. He got to reunite with his brother, who had been his biggest motivation for joining this dretched line of work. 

A privilege that you will never get to experience, all shown in your grin that never reached far up —brows slanted.

Thinking you were taking too long, he took both of your hands and lead the two of you to meet the group. Apparently, it was the Special Operations Squad, a group of highly elite capable soldiers lead by humanity's 'strongest'. 

In your words, another wrinkly old-timer of Shadis' caliber.

After learning of their feats, you had been able to understand Karl more. Most was pure brotherly admiration, but deep down he had fond respect as a member of the military. 

Surprised at the fact that all the members appeared to be your age —you had been expecting the strongest squad to be the longest running— and not old veterans entering their 40s, you shook each of their hands ignoring Karl's vexed stare. 

They were most likely flabbergasted too. Karl had done the most extravagant salute, and you were sure he broke his chest with the mere force he hit himself with. Oskar settled for the casual, but it was still formal in military terms. These were your superiors all in all. 

Eld Jinn had been the first introduced. He was the second in command, authoritative when the man of the hour was not present. Much like Erwin Smith, he gazed with curiosity at your handshake instead of bothering you with it. Later on, the others will do the same. To you he looked approachable, tactical and kind —plus attractive too. 

Everything you saw in the former man vanished when you moved on to Oluo Bozado —proud to meet himself and himself only or so it felt that way— a man too cocky for his own good. There was nothing impressive about him, which caused a chorus of everyone's laughs once you said it out loud. Putting his 'I killed more titans in two years than you will in your entire life' argument aside, there was much more to him than what he let on.

The only woman in the squad was Petra Ral, young and beautiful. Without a doubt the epitome of friendly. Through your eyes you could observe how honored she was to be part of said group. It was refreshing, seeing such a strong woman in one of the most crucial spots in the ranks. By what you've seen she felt the same way, glad to be your representation. 

Nonetheless, she sent you three an amiable smile and offered to help you settle down in the Scouts. A gesture you were most thankful for, considering you were not acquainted with most girls your year. 

Last but not least, Gunther Schultz, Karl's brother. Not that it was hard to spot, the two were similar physically —and dare you say personality wise too. Judging by Gunther's posture and manners, it was a given his younger brother tried to follow his footsteps. 

"Karl, you are just your older brother's cheap knockoff." You received a hit in the top of your head afterwards. 

Gunther chuckled, instantly followed by the other three squad members. "You must be that mutineer he won't shut up about, he didn't say your name." 

Said brother looked away the moment you growled under your breath, slowly turning to meet him. "He just thinks my only personality trait comes from disrespecting the Commandant," You pointed a finger at the four, scowl showing. "which is not true, by the way." 

Mumbling behind you, Karl closed his eyes. "Her name's Y/n, ranked fifth in the class." Bowing his head, he kept going. "Higher than me." 

"That's what you get for trying to be good at everything, you are the jack of all trades." Again, you had been hit. 

The others present took your exchange lightly while both of you attempted to kill the other. "It's not even a bad thing." Eld commented, earning a nod from everyone else. 

Having noticed the man with them, Gunther patted his shoulder. "I take it you are Oskar." But before getting confirmation, Petra took both his hands. Her eyes widening. 

"You are that guy who is trying to help out his family by finding new species, am I correct?" Oskar muttered a low 'I am' making Petra even more excited. "So honorable, fighting against titans and helping all of us out to be able to provide for your family." 

Meanwhile, you leaned closer to Karl's ear. "Why couldn't you have made me look this heroic in front of your brother and his friends?" 

"I can't make miracles happen." This time, it had been him who received the grace of your fist. 

Oskar had been blushing profusely at the thought of four of the most respected Scouts having approved of him and his motives. Right when he thought they might hate him —like with his two friends— he was proven wrong yet again. 

He was happy, and despite the jabs and insults coming from you and Karl, you were all happy too.

"I thought I made myself clear when I said to run 5 laps around the base, do I need to explain what running is?" 

Karl's panicked 'Captain' was picked by your ear. He along with Oskar and the Special Operations Squad stood upright as they saluted. 

Your back had been facing him. Reluctantly, you spun to face him, only to find yourself unable to utter a single word. 

Admittedly, you expected to face an old irritable man. Grey hairs, tall and muscular, and most importantly someone scary. Thinking it better, you had anticipated him to resemble Shadis —no idea as to why. 

The man standing in front of you was short, very short. He was not big nor looked very muscular. His expression was adorned with furrowed brows, the corner of his lips facing down.

No question about it, he was annoyed. 

His hair was moved by a light breeze, letting you peek at the undercut style he had. Steel grey eyes scrutinizing your figure. 

Despite looking so small and angry, he also seemed youthful. You did not know his age —hell, not even his name— and you did not want to ask either, but for a Captain even Oluo could be thought as older. 

Maybe some prodigy, you concluded. 

Your gaze never broke apart, still staring at him head on. "Cadet, why are you not saluting?" 

Was this what déjà vu felt like? 

Though you never got to give him a response. His arms were crossed, one of his eyebrows risen. "Not like I want to know your opinion. Do you know what running is?" 

The atmosphere was tense. Voice deep and demanding. There was something about him, you were aware everyone saw it as well, something powerful. 

Something that made sense as his squad apologized to him, preparing themselves to run even more laps than he asked for. He was respected, very. Oskar and Karl practically ogling at the man, mouths agape. 

At your hum, he answered with one of his own —deep and closely amusing. 

"Very well, because that's what you'll be doing for the rest of the day, vermin." 

Vermin? Who did he think he was? 

Suddenly, the idea you had built of him crumbled at your feet. At that moment you took notice of the prominent bags under his eyes, the imperceptible grease on his hair and the attenuated scars adorning his pale skin. 

"Who the hell are you calling vermin?" 

"The vermin in front of me." 

Rolling your eyes once he turned his back to you, you realized, you had gone from one senile old fart with a stick up his ass to another. 

Only to leave you wondering, could there be something different in this one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading<3 feedback is always welcomed and appreciated:)


	4. slaves of the game

Captain Levi thought of you as a pest, someone insufferable to him. During this first week as a member of the scouts, you proved it to him. 

First of all, you looked atrocious. You gave off a dirty aura, and he was persistent on cleaning it. Not only the way you carried yourself was ugly, but the way you dressed, talked and behaved. 

At least, he was forcing himself to look at you that way. Truth was, you smelled nice, your uniform fitted you as it should, and you took your punishments and got through them without an issue. 

Plus, you knew how to clean. The first and only time he had punished you with cleaning the corridors of the castle, you spent an entire afternoon. Afterwards, he was able to see himself in the reflection. Simple, but he was pleased by the fact that the next opportunity he got to punish you, he would already know what he would order you to do. 

Your attitude could be better, and it annoyed him to no end when he heard you criticizing him behind his back. Being called a raisin with a garden gnome complex had been embarrassing, and he did not hesitate to send you 2 days to the cells below. 

You came out looking as normal as ever. 

Normality, it had been your own that put him off.

Levi knew you were hiding something. What it was, he did not know. The spatial awareness trick you had shown his squad had piqued his curiosity. In a normal setting like Mitras, it was unlikely you had developed said ability. It had to come from some form of defense, but against what? 

He did not care about you nor about whatever you were keeping away, but it intrigued a certain acquaintance of his. 

Then it was the whole not saluting thing. The scout training you, him, his squad, even Gunther had said that his brother called you mutineer because you did not salute Shadis the first day of cadet training. 

According to your 2 buddies, you were simply not able to. Like something was pulling your fist away. 

It was fucking weird.

You were a mystery. He had no idea what you were here for. Coming from the capital of Sina, that fact alone raised his suspicions. 

Could you be here to disband the Scouts?

Levi took the door handle and opened it abruptly, causing it to hit the wall of the office he entered. The man was sitting down in front of his desk, papers neatly stacked as usual. The bookshelves all over the walls appeared rather messy, some books out of place and one or two missing. 

He was looking for something in particular. 

"What is it Levi?" Erwin put his pen down, full attention on the Captain. 

Walking towards him Levi put his hands on the desk, slouching to get on Erwin's level. His voice had been accusating, yet always firm. "I know that ever since you came back from the day those kids chose their branch you've been mesmerized by that girl who did not dare to salute you." Steel grey challenged ocean blue. "Now that she is here, I see why. The brat's a conundrum, and it's amusing to you." 

Erwin did not dare do anything, uptight as he was. "You are not wrong. I must tell you, though, that I don't believe she has bad intentions." 

"Then what the hell is it that you have in mind? I know you are going to pull one of those gambles again." This made the Commander chuckle, offering a barely noticeable smirk. 

"What can I say, I am a gambling man." 

Levi gritted his teeth. "And it's that strange way of dealing with shit that will kill you one day." But he was aware his words wouldn't faze the blonde man, they never did no matter when he said them. All in all, it seemed to be working fine his way. 

It was that resolve and determination that Levi admired. That goal he was dead-set on achieving. This situation somehow fitted in there, and if Erwin was serious about it, then so was he.

"As of now, puzzle pieces have been thrown our way. We don't have most of them, but we have the decisive one." His hand slid a single paper towards him, your information. "The gamble this time is seeing if keeping that girl here was a wise choice, or if it that decision alone will kill us all. A hunch tells me this is something big, Levi." 

And as he left Erwin's office, fists tightened and lips pressed, his mind drifted to you. You, who had indirectly defied Erwin, letting him get a peek at a game he will not back down from. You, who were smarter than you let on. You, who he did not entirely know.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Prick. 

That was what Captain Levi was, a prick. Shadis had been a warmup for what was coming in the Scouts. 

Sitting with him during meals was torture. He only looked —glared— at you as if you were a Titan. Even the Commander had given you weird looks when the rare occasion of you two crossing paths happened. Had old age caught up to them? 

Flapping, the wind, it was late in the afternoon and soon the sun would be setting. Tomorrow new recruits were set for training in the forest, and that meant gear practice. You were not looking forward to the embarrassment that you'll make of yourself, again. 

Necklace in hand, your reflection stared back at you, who was pondering about what to do when the time for an expedition came up. 

_"You can't wander outside and see what happens! You know how people will treat you, you've seen it happen Y/n!"_

Fuck having a plan, whatever was meant to happen out there will happen. 

_"You've brought your loved ones along your petty waltz with the dead, and now that he has caught up to them he will go for you next."_

Death was the exception, an outcome you were set on not happening. 

The grip on your necklace had been deadly. 

"Alright you, what's with the constipated look? I know you are a vermin but please try not to shit outside." 

You showed him a toothy smile. "Open wide and I might just drop it there. I mean you already spout so much of it, must've eaten tons. What's a bit more?"

Everything fell silent, only the wind was brave enough to formulate some melody by going against the castle walls. Pressure evaded your neck, circulation cutting violently from the brutal grip Levi had on you. 

Huffing and puffing, you coughed up a laugh. "I will give you one chance." Choking up on your own words, your hands grabbed his lone one. It had only led to his grip locking securely. "Leave me alone." 

A hiss; even he could tell there was meaning behind it. Eyes darkened, you had been facing down this entire time. With a pull, your nose touched the tip of his own, bored eyes defying your own now turned into slits. 

Even then, Levi couldn't have felt more pleased at the way you were kneeling in front of him. Eyes gleaming, he was looking down at you —figuratively and literally. 

"Listen here vermin. I can tolerate you behaving like an immature kid as long as you do all the tasks assigned to you, but I won't stay here and let you answer back to me in that way. I am your Captain, and you will refer to me as such." 

He had never looked so, enraged.

"Not like you Mitras people would know anything about respect. All you've been taught is how to wail like a fucking pig." He seethed. "You have no idea how the real world works." 

Well, you had never done so either. 

_"Don't you know the first thing about respect, kid? Not only am I in the highest ranks of this system, but I also am sparing your life and giving you another chance!"_

"I said," You spat next to his boot. Trying to regain air was impossible in this position. "I said to leave me the fuck alone!" 

Levi had seen it, the spark in your eyes. He had gone far from his point. Nevertheless, his hand did not falter until he caught silver gleaming from the sole of your boot. 

You had been too fast, even for him, and he let his hold on your neck go as your hidden knife cut through the top of his hand. 

Falling on your asses, your hands caressed your neck as his other hand held his bleeding one. In that moment, the blood oozing from the deep cut you had inflicted on him made you snap out of it. 

Still with little air, you gasped forming coherent words for Levi —more specifically an apology— who did not look up from the grass he was sat in. 

"I—" 

"Pushed you too far, didn't I?" Your mouth closed. No matter how much you tried, you could not figure out what he was feeling in that instant. Never had you ever seen Captain Levi panting, ignoring how light it was no one but you could have picked it up. 

Head bopping up and down, Levi understood. "Tell me then, if you were perfectly prepared to anticipate my moves, why did you not do anything?" 

Standing up, you dusted off your white pants now adorned with dark green splotches. "If I had known you were going to choke me like that, I would have fought you without hesitation." You placed your open palm, covered in dirt, directly in front of him. 

Levi was still down, but he did not take your offer. He copied your movements and swat your hand away from himself. "Tch, fucking disgusting." Before he turned around to go back to headquarters, he took one look at you again. 

And then you saw it, the utter fury in his stare, accompanied with something else. In some way, it had been like looking into a mirror.

The crackling of the grass ceased, and your head turned to Levi's. He did not meet you face to face, but he still had the last word. "You will not receive a punishment for this, but I won't forget what happened today." 

Unlucky you, he had not gotten to hear your muttered 'me neither'. An encounter that had fueled both of your fires. 

And for Levi, a meeting that led him to fully get what Erwin was getting at. Even if it left him dirty, angry and the least bit delighted. 

What a big board they were playing their game in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this chapter:) thank you for reading and the support you guys have given me <3


	5. catalyst

Early morning, the sun had yet to shine through the windows of headquarters. You were sitting in the lonesome common area, notebook laying on one of the tables as you passed pages and pages. 

Too engrossed with the information you were reading, it took a knock on said table to get you to look up and notice the only other person with you. 

"What the hell are you doing?" You looked around, opening up your arms. 

"Just having fun with all my friends." When his eyebrows lowered, drawn together, your face settled back to a scowl. You pointed down at your notebook. "Aren't you seeing this? I'm reading, what else would I be doing?"

Levi didn't spare you a second glance and left towards the kitchen. Ignoring where he had gone off to, you focused back on the page you had been starting. 

To your very luck, not even 5 minutes later you were aware of him walking back and taking the seat in front of you. A single cup of tea steaming near him. 

You eyed said drink. "Your manners are through the roof, not even going to ask if I want any?" 

In response, he asked you a question. "Is your body hurt in any way?" You shook your head, tilting it. "Good, then you can go prepare yourself some." 

Rolling your eyes, your focus went back to what you were reading —completely ignoring the man sitting with you. Peering up, you caught Levi trying to inspect the contents of it. 

"It's Oskar's notebook on every species he has studied located around the 3 Walls." Turning the notebook, you pushed it towards him. He offered you a questioning look, nonetheless he still went to read it.

You paid close attention as his eyes shifted all over a single page. His hand held the notebook, and it was when you saw the bandages wrapped around it. Yesterday had appeared so far away. 

Not understanding his true reasoning behind his actions, you also didn't want to ask. Levi looked put together —to some extent— so doing a rough action out of pure anger didn't correspond to something he would do. What you had commented wasn't that bad either. 

Even so, he did not mention it once throughout the brief time you were sharing before breakfast; you doubted he'd mention it at all. Good thing, you weren't fond of recalling yesterday's actions just yet.

Your gaze then wondered to his own, scanning over the same line over and over again. The corners of his lips turned downwards with the passing of each second, brows furrowed as his eyes swayed side to side over that one line. 

Did he have trouble reading? You'd figure a man of his title would be educated to perfection, even if his mouth was a clear refutation of that. Again, something you wouldn't ask, but it did manage to make you narrow your eyes at his figure. 

Maybe he had trouble understanding? It was very scientific after all. He didn't look the part, frankly. 

" _Papilio glaucus_." Startled by your statement, he looked away from the page. His expression morphed back to the usual in a flash. 

You took his silence as a gesture to keep going. "It's the name of the species you are reading about. Pretty difficult to pronounce for someone that doesn't devote to the sciences. You are not used to reading these kind of things." 

"And you are?" Defensive. For some reason, he was angry you had helped him. 

Humming, you lifted your finger. "As much as everyone shits on Mitras, their education is pretty efficient." 

Levi observed the drawing of the black butterfly with the name you had mentioned, and closed the notebook before pushing it back towards you. His arms had been crossed, eyes avoiding your own. 

"Why are you even bothering with this kind of shit? You could read up on the different flare types for upcoming expeditions, sure would be more fucking beneficial."

Eyes suspiciously watching him, you pulled the notebook closer to you —hugging it to your chest. "Well I enjoy butterflies, but I read it so I can help Oskar out. Now I can know when a species is actually unregistered, and I won't have to stop him every time I find something because of not knowing if he has already seen it." 

"You are a Scout not a collector." 

Was he glaring at you?

"You are a Scout too not my personal advisor, and mind your business." Now he was definitely glaring at you.

A light wind flew past the room, it did not change the direction of the steam from the cup; that was when you saw the tea had gone cold. 

"So then why did you originally join the Scouts? Spare me from the charity work." 

Your lips moved, opening and closing without uttering a word. You settled for a straight on retort. "For the money." 

It hadn't been the first time you've seen him look taken aback, but this time he looked flabbergasted. The Captain was mute, head lowered and eyes ablaze. Gulping, you scolded yourself from phrasing it so badly. 

"Then go to the Military Police. We don't need greedy pigs rolling in their own shit, what we need is useful people, and with your ODM gear skills all you will be is a setback." 

Your mouth hung open, but you forced yourself to close it. "They're the whole reason I need money in the first place, and don't tell me what to do! I can decide for myself perfectly fine." 

Levi did not react to your words in any way and leaned forward. "Do you expect me to feel bad for you? Give you money? The Scouts barely get any as it is, and that's how you choose to waste it? Sell your shitty necklace and then take your leave." You had been caught by surprise at how disgusted he sounded by your motives. 

"So now you want to tell me how to spend my own money? How I should live my life? You can't stand me? When I take your Captain position away, I'll make you kneel." The hold on the notebook was overwhelming, but had it not been that way you would have already thrown at him. 

"Bold coming from the one person that has the least advantage over the Titans. You live up to the vermin name, even more when I’ll send you to the stables for disrespecting me." 

Calming as he was, it was bothering you greatly. You looked down at your necklace, it was expensive and took a lot of time to make. To you, it was pricey because of its meaning. "I will never sell this, no matter how bad things get." 

Having been able to catch on to your muttering, Levi took a glance at the jewelry that adorned your skin.

"Doesn't change the fact that you are still weak."

Much like his squint, you mirrored his expression and countered. "And? When I'm out there I won't die, because I'll be fighting for myself and a cause I believe in. I simply can't afford to die." 

"That's something someone would say before kicking the bucket." You could not figure out if he was amused by your frustration. His arms were still crossed, now leaning back without breaking eye contact. 

"I'm not sorry for this, but I don't give a single shit about humanity. I'm not fighting for them. Humanity has always hated me, and I hate it back just as much. Never has treated me nor my family well, so why should I risk it all for them?" Levi kept silent. "When the time for an expedition comes up, and someone's in danger, then that's on them. I'm not saving anyone, not you, not the Commander, not your squ—" 

"What about Oskar and Karl, will you save them if it came to that point?" 

Without a single second of hesitation, you answered. "The most important person in my life, the one I know to trust, is my grandpa. Anyone other than that, in desperate measures, is a nuisance to me." 

"What a friend you are." While only those words left Levi's mouth, in his mind he knew there were doubts clouding your judgement. 

"If it were up to me, I would kill everyone that crosses my path." Soon your firm stance turned relaxed. "But I'm too chicken to actually go through with murder." 

Trying to ignore the thoughts plaguing your head, you looked away from his intense stare. Birds started to chirp outside, and the first rays of sunlight peeked through the large windows. 

"Basically, you are saying that you will survive because you are selfish." He didn't need confirmation, you were pretty easy to read in certain aspects. 

It was beyond him how you could be so secretive yet so open. 

"Commander Erwin sends people to their deaths for a goal none of us fully understand, hidden behind the saving the world excuse. I came to that conclusion after his speech before choosing my branch. He is a selfish person that has many under his control, that's why he's still alive." 

After that, Levi kept to himself. Minutes went by before he stood up to leave the Mess Hall, not even saying anything to you. 

As he was almost to the door, he spoke. "Let me tell you something, you are a piece of shit." You offered him a low growl. "But I have a gut feeling you are some kind of catalyst, so it'll be good to keep you around."

Your eyes widened, brows shot up at what he ever so casually dropped after your intense argument. 

"And by the way, if you wanted a cup of tea just drink the one there." Your attention shifted to the only object placed in the table. Hesitantly, you grasped it and took one sip, spitting it out the moment its flavor started to take effect. 

"This is cold as shit and it tastes like piss!" But the door was already shut, Levi long gone.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

"Try not to look so excited, you'll kill us all with all your jumping and screeching." Karl complained about the fake laugh towards his joke, Oskar making sure his own gear was correctly assembled from next to him. 

The three of you stretched a little. Today, you would be running the forest course along with your two companions. Rather than wondering what could go wrong, you hoped for things to go a little on the good side. 

"Schultz, Forst and Y/n you 3 are up next!" 

A hand squeezed your shoulder, turning to find Oskar smiling down at you. "You'll be alright, we'll all help each-other." He then yelped, Karl's hand slapping his back, then your own. 

He most definitely wanted to talk to you, it was all in his tone alone. 

Rubbing your now tingling back, you glowered at him. "Of course we'll be fine! Just don't try to pull 'mutineery' actions." He did not get much glory from his encouragement, flinching when he saw you standing behind him. 

Once you all were right at the forest's entrance, you took note of the people watching. Erwin was there along with the entirety of Squad Levi, they were accompanied by another tall man —even taller than the Commander himself. 

Facing the beginning of the course again, you called both of them over with a whisper. 

"Oskar, Captain Levi has taken an interest in your species collection." You now glanced the other way. "And Karl, your brother will consider putting in a recommendation for you to join Squad Levi if you ace this." 

That said, a green flare shot up to the clear skies, and so did your hooks, adhering themselves to the thick tree trunks.

You were aware you were slower than both Karl and Oskar, considering your chances of falling or running into a tree were higher. Yet, despite hearing whispers from afar —discontent with the lack of action— they both looked back at you, waiting for your verdict. 

While it was true your gear use was close to pathetic, you knew better than anyone present how to anticipate attacks. What was the point in risking your life when you could settle with playing the mastermind? 

Smirking, you advanced to the front and landed on a branch —with the added troubles. "3 three quarters, 1 full circle and 4 quarter-half!" 

Feeling their movements, as sly and minuscule as they could be, and it was over for the rest of them. Vibrations were easy to pick up, but it did swamp you most times. 

"Got it!" From then on, both males would figure out who kills who, making the practice attempt end in a complete success. 

They dispersed, disappearing within all the greenery and leaving you by yourself. Your thoughts were playing a rough time on you since this early morning. 

You had to slice a dummy's neck, and you had to do it now. Proving to Captain dwarf that you could be of good use, that you were able to do something. 

Knowing your morals, you had no clue as to why you felt the need to make him see. Not like you already knew of that fact. 

Karl entered your field of vision, and with no time to waste you shot towards the dummy he was heading for. He yelped a loud 'huh?' before feeling a pressure on his back, sending him down to the ground. 

"Sorry! But if I don't want to make a fool of myself then I have to get there without issue!" Your balance didn't allow you to have a direct path, but after using Karl's back as some type of platform to stabilize yourself it settled you in the correct way. 

From a lower branch, Karl yelled back at you. "You don't get to make a fool out of me instead! Now my back's an issue, mutineer!" 

Putting your best posture, your blade resting on your shoulder, it made its way towards its nape with the precision of a baseball bat. A clean slice, not too deep but enough to inhibit its regeneration. 

"Yay!" You put your arms up, finding Levi's figure near Karl and Oskar —who joined the moment he finished his Titans. All of them were pointing behind you, but you had been closely watching the way Levi's thumb stuck up. 

Obviously, to everyone but you, his thumb then moved down before you face planted right into a tree. It seemed to make Levi's squad as well as your 2 friends loudly laugh, Erwin smiling at the stupid action. 

"Shitty vermin." He mumbled, eyes on Mike helping you stand up straight. Amidst all the commotion, he didn't take notice of everyone else except Erwin coming towards you, most likely to poke fun at your moves.

"Ow! Dumbass!" Or in Karl's case, to hit you relentlessly for what you've done. 

"Do you believe she has ill intentions?" Erwin stood next to him, seeing the scene unfold from afar. His face was relaxed, eyes fondly staring at the group in the base of the tree. 

Levi shook his head, arms crossed. "I have reasons to believe that she'll play a big part in our mission." A butterfly landed on his shoulder, recognizing it as the one you had been babbling to him about hours earlier.

Chuckling deeply, Erwin looked down at Levi. "The next expedition is coming up, we'll see what happens there." 

ACT I __ **END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yn biggest mr lay oreo kinnie 2020 <3
> 
> this is the end of the introductory act. things are probably very confusing atm, but i promise it’ll all make sense eventually! thank u for all the support + kudos, leave a comment if u feel like it :) 
> 
> see u all in act ii !


	6. five lives

**act ii. freihiet village**  
— like a butterfly stuck in a chrysalis, waiting for the perfect moment, i was waiting for the day i could burst forth and fly away and find my home

"Sucks that we are not in the same groups for the upcoming expedition." Oskar sat down, a bowl of soup with a side of bread placed neatly in front. 

Commander Erwin had called some cadets individually in the past few days. Karl had been the first. Apparently, he'd been put on Levi's group for the upcoming expedition. He was so elated he forgot he was just there for a trial run rather than a full fledged member. 

"Sucks? I won't have to get my back stepped on!" Sighing, Oskar stood by watching the two of you fight. He couldn't get some peace for the past few days, having been assigned to Hange Zoe's squad. 

The Section Commander had burst inside his room to give him the news except of Erwin calling him over. They rummaged through his belongings to get his notebooks and notes and read them in the span of one night. Moblit, a member in their squad, reassured him that it was normal. 

That was what worried him. 

Hange was the definition of a mad scientist, and while Oskar admired their passion —him being pretty dedicated to his own cause too— he didn't know if he could handle another Titan lecture. 

Because to Hange, his species compilation did not a matter a single bit, but rather his identification and overall studying techniques. Obviously, they wanted to put them to use to find anything about the Titans.

Then there was you he had to fuss over, something about your avoidance ticking him off. Something told him you weren't the average town girl joining the military. Said revelation was what got him thinking how little he truly knew you, one of his closest friends. 

"Maybe I'm in one of yours, but with the people leading you I'd rather not." You inwardly cringed at the thought of Hange following you everywhere and Levi telling you how useless you were every chance he got.

At that moment a soldier got your attention, Erwin wanting to discuss your placement during the expedition. Saying goodbye to your friends, you gave Petra your bread —as it had been stolen by Oluo— and made your way out of the Mess Hall. 

The upcoming expedition had everyone on edge ever since the official announcement. You'd think that only the new recruits would be nervous, but the veterans were probably worse. 

It made you see just how much influence Commander Erwin had, and you did not like that one bit. You wondered if in a few months you'd act the same way they did. 

Oskar and Karl were more excited than anything, and you were feeling neutral. You didn't want to go, but you knew you had to.

"Afternoon." You lazily added before closing the wooden door behind you. Facing the front, you picked out Erwin alongside Levi, Hange and Mike. 

You nearly sighed at the sight. 

"Y/n, I take it you know why you're here?" There was a large paper on his table, a map right next to it. You nodded, not saying anything. "Good then, for this trip outside of the Walls you will be in Mike's Squad." 

Your prayers had been answered, you mentally cheered.

"Your awareness combined with Mike's nose could work very well together, plus maybe you'll learn how to manoeuver the gear better." Your nose scrunched up at the mention of Mike's, what did that even mean? 

Your question was quickly answered when you felt his presence standing close to you. His tall stature was lightly bent, nose sniffing you all over your hair and neck. 

Mouth opening a bit to ask what was happening, your new leader stood up straight and went back to his place next to Hange. It was Erwin's voice that made you blink your eyes out of their widening stance, diverting your focus to him. 

"Also, before you leave," He was serious when you first came in, but with that sentence you felt how somber he had grown. "you said you joined the Survey Corps for the money." 

Very slowly, your head moved to the very far right side of the office where Levi was standing, eyes boring into him waiting for some kind of statement; he didn't bother to look back at you. 

"I advise you to find a different motive." 

You stood there helplessly as he dismissed you for the day. Mechanically, your feet moved after a few seconds and walked to the door. Your hand clenched around the handle, gripping it with such force you were sure you would break it. 

One more time, you would own up to the mutineer title Karl so diligently named you by. "I'll have you know, if you are to question what I do and why I do it, I advise you to talk to me directly and not your lapdog." 

A grunt echoed from your back, followed by a 'tch'.

"After all, I'm not a Titan. I won't bite you, Commander." Sneering, you pulled the handle your way. 

"You sure look like one." 

Already having a foot set outside the room, you did not meet your higher up's frames. "To you of course, since you are so short." Closing the door, making sure not to slam it, you left the quartet with Hange's cackles echoing throughout. 

It was then that Levi looked up to where you were standing mere moments ago. 

"She's an interesting one, no doubt about it." They casually commented, attempting to contain their giggles when Levi glared at them. 

Erwin agreed, scanning over the sheets laying at the top of his large desk. Propping himself up, Levi moved away from the wall and closer to the group. 

He recalled the conversation you both had before breakfast, where you told him about your views and motives. Might he add, very compelling ones for someone from Mitras. 

He'd told Erwin about your rationale, your despise for the Military Police and most importantly, your grandfather. Expecting him to pull some strings to find him, it was surprising when Erwin came to no conclusion during his search. There had been no records on the old man, but he expressed his concern on not finding any of yours or your family either. 

Even so, Levi unconsciously left the part of your necklace out. A silent agreement between him and his mind to never speak about it until you do, call it a hunch. 

"Something wrong?"

Turning to Erwin, he was about to think up on an answer when he saw that his eyes were set on Mike, whose hand was scratching his chin. 

"I thought I'd smell a lot of anger radiating from her but," His voice lowered down. "there's only grief and regret, so much of it it's overflowing. One can only wonder what she went through before joining the regiment." 

The other three remained silent. Hange looked down, brows drawn together as their hands played with their hair, making a mess out of it. Erwin let out a deep exhale, but couldn't add anything due to Mike talking again. 

"I also could smell a bit of Abbot's scent in her." At this everyone turned to him, offering several looks of confusion. 

"It's been a long while since we've last seen him, I think Erwin wasn't even Commander yet." None asked about it, but each one of them knew that the other was wondering. What could you have to do with Abbot? 

Even as the meeting ended, deciding on continuing with other cadets tomorrow, Levi was not going to put you behind. You'd spiked his curiosity greatly from the few conversations you both shared. 

And like hell was he going to do nothing about it. Even if he had to make sure you remained alive until then, he'll come at everything that dared to come close to you. 

You were his business now.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

"Damnit!" Pain evaded your knuckles from your hit towards one of the castle wall's. Erwin and Levi had managed to piss you off, yet again. 

Seriously didn't they have any other work to do other than bother you? 

Still cursing out your superiors, you tried to recompose yourself when you felt someone coming closer. Said person stopped when they saw you, chuckling to themselves at the jumble you were. 

"You look in desperate need of a drink," He rose up his arm, waving a crystal bottle. "want some?" He opened it to take a swig, offering you afterwards. From the smell you could tell it was ale, and with your hand you pushed it back. 

"Who are you, weird hair?" You asked the man muttering to himself. According to him, you had some nerve to decline such a delicious drink; he classified you as clueless. Suddenly, he jumped at your question. 

"Huh? My hair's not weird! Rather extremely stylish." He reminded you of Oluo and Karl, which only made you rub your forehead at the mere thought of such an atrocious combination. "My name's Gelgar by the way. You shouldn't treat your squad members like that." 

"You are part of Squad Mike?" Bobbing his head, he put an arm around your shoulders, guiding you away from Erwin's office. 

You were bent oddly, trying to pry off his arm and failing miserably, teeth gritting due to his strength. "Of course I am! Me and the rest of the group were about to play some cards in the Mess Hall, and we want you to join." 

"You could have said that and I would have walked with you!" But Gelgar laughed at your misery, taking another gulp of his drink with his free arm. Groaning, you closed your eyes. 

When both of you arrived, there were very few Scouts dispersed around the tables. You spotted Hange's group, waving at Oskar, who pointed at Gelgar in amusement. You shook your head, using a sign that you'll catch him up later. 

Lunch had ended a few minutes ago, Karl leaving with the rest of Levi's squad to get some training. In that part, you were thankful Mike's Squad was just relaxing. The last thing you needed was to take another stroll through the forest with your gear, or rather cross out another tree you'd run into. 

Gelgar walked over to a group of 4 soldiers in one of the tables. He introduced them as Thomas, Henning, Lynne and Nanaba, the latter offering you a closed lipped smile as she patted the spot right beside her. When you both sat down, Henning started shuffling the cards.

You were surprised at how quickly they had welcomed you, treating you as if you had been a member for years. They poked a little fun at your failed attempts at gear tricks, causing heat to rise to your face. As well as pointing out Gelgar's odd hairstyle, to which Lynne added that she thought the same way. 

Soon the cards were all placed in front of each member. "The game's simple," Henning explained. "you bet on how many rounds you'll win, and you do anything in your power to make your statement true without knowing of the other's moves." 

Each of you had 5 cards. "The lowest number has the lowest value, and it keeps growing along with the number. If you place a card with the highest value before someone else, the round still goes to you. You can't win more rounds that you bet on, the same way you can't win less. You'll lose lives according to the rounds you miss or win without meaning to, we all start with 5." 

"Ah I get it," Gelgar put his drink on the table. "so we can get in the way of our opponents since they don't know which card we'll throw at them." Henning hummed, lifting up his cards to inspect them. 

"Basically, it's all about risking everything and seeing if it pays off." 

As Thomas started to say his rounds, you thought back on the words Henning spoke of. Risking everything? Was that really the way to play the game? Or was it more of strategy? 

Would risking everything really end up well? You sure were aware how being cautious doesn't necessarily assure victory. Maybe taking risks was the right path to go by. 

You weren't sure if you were referring to the game anymore. 

Snapping out of it when Nanaba had called your name, you took a glance at your cards, seeing 3 of high value. Without giving it much thought, you made your bet. 

"I'll win 3." 

Gelgar smirked. "Getting dangerous huh? I like that." 

You were the one to begin the game. With a queen of hearts and another of spades, you made your choice rather fast; droppin the card.

The Queen of Spades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading! n for all the kudos you’ve all been leaving. comments are appreciated as well, they help me stay motivated lots :) + i would love to see what u think about the chapters !


	7. to trust your home

"What is that, an acorn?"

Mike's group had finished training for the day, your leader extending a drawing in the middle of the circle all of you were sat in. Tomorrow the new recruits would be heading outside the Walls for the first time, thus having a calmer day consisting on gear preparation and stretching.

Gelgar chuckled, the rest of the squad giving a small smile at your remark. "Not quite. This is the formation we'll be using for the expedition, so pay close attention." Mike pointed his finger at the different positions, explaining who was to go where and their tasks.

You realized that his finger kept moving up without mentioning your own squad, causing you to groan internally at the thought of being put right in the front.

"At the very top, not far away from Command and the support teams, are the forward Scouts." He motioned the full semicircle, stopping somewhere in the left. "This is where we will be stationed, Commander Erwin trusts us to figure out the situation as soon as possible. We'll also encounter a lot of Titans, but since Hange's group along with Levi Squad will be there, it shouldn't be much of a problem. Understood?"

Mike nodded, pleased with everyone's affirmation, and let everyone shower and spend the rest of the day relaxing.

Before you could leave to find Oskar or Karl, his hand gripped your shoulder. "We'll be working together to see how our abilities cooperate." You looked sideways at his blue eyes. "I put my full trust in you, Y/n." With his hand, he gave you a pat. Leaving you in the same position, gaping at his words.

There was something in his voice that made you not want to disappoint him.

Your head snapped back at the mention of your name. Petra was waving at you from afar, the rest of her group moving around behind her.

Following your original idea, you joined Levi's Squad in hopes of getting to Karl.

Corresponding Petra's lively greeting, your eyes shifted through the squad, spotting your friend quite easily. At the sight of Oluo, your upper lip tugged up, lips loose.

"What is he doing?" Petra followed your finger towards Oluo, too busy petting Levi's horse to notice them. Scowling at the man, her hair swayed with the shaking of her head.

"Living his fantasy."

You didn't pry further, instead nearing the rest of thesquad. Levi was nowhere to be found, but you paid no mind to it. He had the bad habit of popping up when he was not needed.

"Do you want to go find Oskar and have dinner together?" You approached Karl, who gestured towards Gunther.

The former languished. "Sorry, but Gunther and I plan on visiting our parents and have dinner with them."

You chuckled, ruffling the top of his head; eliciting a cry on his part. You reassured both Schultz brothers that you'd be alright, forcing them to get on their horses once Karl started to doubt the trip.

"Are you sure? I could always stay with you and Oskar, we are friends." Not letting him enter another spineless ramble, you ushered him to the animal. Dejected, he listened to you and went for the saddle.

"You'll have plenty of time when we come back tomorrow." Karl smirked at your words, fist bumping you; promising that the 3 of them were to hang out afterwards.

Although rueful, you smiled at their bustling with the necessary preparations before leaving. Each member of Levi's group was set to go to different districts to spend time with their loved ones.

Not turning away from the animal, engrossed in running his hand through its black mane, Oluo's eyes squinted. "Aren't you going to visit your family? It's the day before an expedition, everyone does it."

You stiffened at his query, gruesome images flashing before your eyes. You stumbled on your own words, your throat closing up with all that dared not to leave your lips.

It came to you after closing your eyes, taking a deep breath in hopes of not breaking down. "It's complicated."

There was a certain sullenness to Petra's caramel eyes, leading you to believe she caught onto your discomfort. You wished she wouldn't confront you later nor offer any pity, you were fine.

You had to be.

Dissatisfied with your answer, Oluo started to grumble to himself. Brows arched, Petra's and your own, you both decided on averting your eyes away from him. It was impossible to deal with the man when he behaved like a spoiled child.

More so when a familiar figure got closer to where all of you were. Glare already settled on Oluo, whose hand abandoned Levi's horse in the span of a millisecond. He was soon to apologize to his Captain, nevertheless getting chores to do after the expedition was over.

"Isn't it late for all of you to still be here?" Oluo came face to face with Levi. "Remember I expect you all to be back before curfew."

Struggling to find his words, Petra had to push Oluo near his horse to leave before they were told to stay here. Levi didn't say anything else, taking the reins of his own mount, getting it back to the stables.

He didn't take more than 5 steps before halting, not far away from where you were standing —your head facing him, subtly tilted.

"You need to go get ready for dinner." Unlike with the others, Levi observed you from the corner of his eye. "Mike was saying something about his squad wanting to eat with you."

You were still pretty out of it, waving at Karl when he passed by you, wishing him a good night. When his figure was no longer visible, you started to make your way back inside. Levi's eyes were set after you, perceiving the trembling of your lips.

It dawned upon him that you had no family to come back to; despite things not making full sense, he felt like he took a step forward in your life.

Did it have any correlation to the necklace you were so defensive of?

Thinking it was best to leave you to yourself, Levi went on to meet up with the other Squad Leaders for dinner. Fully aware he was going to see you there briefly.

Once the sun had set, you opened the door to the Mess Hall, only to be engulfed by loud voices. Gelgar was the one to get your attention, pointing at the vacant seat next to him.

Unfortunately, Oskar had also gone off to his home. The three of you weren't scared by the expedition at all, but it still felt nice to spend the night together and catch up. Most afternoons everyone was too occupied with their own training, meeting seemingly impossible.

_Home_. It sounded nice to think about. Long ago you lost your own, along with your purpose of living in the world you deemed unfair. The sole reason for your existence residing within your grandfather and his safety.

Not like your life ever had much meaning to begin with.

"How's our favorite rookie doing?" Mike's Squad greeted you, Mike sitting with the rest of the superior officers in a table not far away. Taking a seat, you saw that their bowls and bread were untouched.

Had they been waiting for you to start eating? They even bothered to get you dinner.

The corners of your lips twitched up at the thought.

"Good thing you arrived, I was starting to get thirsty for some alcohol." Wasting no time, Gelgar took a big swig and digged in. You —deadpanned— attempted to grimaced, slowly turning into a laugh at his impatience and pig-like demeanor.

"I thought most of you would be with your families." Grabbing the spoon, you began eating your soup. Although in a way that, compared to the alcohol maniac, it was less brute.

"Some visit afterwards, others settle on letters and there's the rare case of people who either don't have one or don't get along well." Nanaba told you, her face solemn. "Sadly, with the recent breach, it has become more common than the others."

Taking immense notice of Nanaba's smaller voice ona certain part of her explanation, you pushed it away for the moment and looked around. Indeed, there were too many people. If your friends were to be here, you wouldn't have noticed soldiers missing.

Maybe, this was the closest thing to home for some of them. They were certainly enjoying themselves, with the way they were drinking and yelling.

A contrast to the past few days.

"Enough about that." Gelgar was the one to cut her off, chucking a crumb at her face. Nanaba threw him a glare, unnoticed by the culprit. "We also wanted to spend your first night before an expedition with you. After all, we are a group, right? You must be nervous."

Mindlessly playing with the spoon, you shrugged. "Not really. I thought you would be the one to be that way. You can't drink alcohol if it's needed for wounds." Laughter rang throughout the room, receiving curious glances from the nearby tables.

Gelgar gasped, waving an accusing finger at you with his hand holding a bottle. "I can survive without a drink! Don't make me out to be some obsessed fellow."

Right at that moment, Henning took the bottle away from him, passing it over to some cadets who hollered when it appeared at their table.

"Sure you can." He chortled, getting out some coins from his pocket. "I bet 5 he'll go get the bottle back."

Nanaba smirked, placing 2 coins of her own. Lynne adding another 2 a few seconds later. "We say he'll complain to Mike about how disrespectful we were being." Once Thomas found some spare money he had in his jacket, he joined up with Henning.

A grin etched its way to your face, growing larger at the exasperated look crossing Gelgar's features. It reminded you of those days in the Cadet Corps, endlessly teasing Karl with Oskar by your side.

As if they were their own little family.

"You guys bet on my misery?" Angrily chewing on his bread, he stood up and made his way to your Squad Leader. You followed him right away, knowing he was going to pull something stupid.

"Seriously can't he hold his alcohol? He's so embarrassing." You muttered —a hand rubbing circles on your forehead— going after him to avoid further humiliation. The 4 remaining still chuckling at his antics, long forgotten by you.

Nanaba and Lynne high fived, taking the money from the other 2 men too busy on Gelgar and you to notice they had lost.

You could hear Gelgar complaining to Mike, nearly joining Hange on their giggles at the looks he was receiving on Erwin and Levi's part. He just had to act up when old man and grumpy were there, didn't they have paperwork to do anyways?

Taking him by the back of his jacket, you pulled him away from the table. "Come on weird hair, or else I'll start a bet on who scacrifices you to the Titans tomorrow." Squinting, your face loomed above his crouching frame. "Might I say I plan to win that." Eliciting a yelp from him, you dragged him back to the group.

"Typical Gelgar." Mike sighed, irritated by Hange's slaps on the table.

"She's carrying him like a sack of potatoes." They choked out. Levi, not averting his gaze away from you, took his cup of tea by the rim and neared it to his lips.

"More like a sack of shit." But even he had the slightest hint of amusement, covered by pools of steel grey.

Getting Thomas to carry him back to the barracks, you resumed eating the rest of your food. Everyone had been so on edge lately. You couldn't lie, the amount of fun they were having now put you off.

"They are spending tonight as if it were their last." Nanaba must have seen the astonishment written all over your face, closing her eyes and smiling at the purse of your lips. Your eyes were shifting everywhere.

Drinking, laughing, singing and cheering. The atmosphere felt cosy.

"Looks to me like they are celebrating something." You turned to Nanaba. Lynne and Henning were leaning towards a table behind them, chatting with some soldiers. "Did they forget they all could die tomorrow? They were so despondent before."

"Would you spend your last day sulking?"

Your brows furrowed. "O-Of course not! I would like to be with the people I cherish the most." Confounded by the low snicker escaping past her lips, you settled on a moue.

"That's what everyone here thinks, including us."

You tuned her voice —actually, more like every voice— out, your mind heavily alerted. Had this been what your brother wanted to experience? To feel comfortable with the people surrounding you?

It would be later on when you would realize the hidden meaning behind Nanaba's words.

In such a short amount of time, could they already consider you... a friend? Family?

Perhaps a new home could be found. If these soldiers did, why couldn't you?

Minutes went by, and you abruptly shot up from your seat. "So you mean that I—"

The Mess Hall was lonesome, the others leaving you there with your thoughts. You saw that Nanaba had left her leftover bread next to yours, already knowing you were too occupied with your own mind.

There were very few soldiers left sprawled around some tables, confusing their hushed voices and silence with your own loneliness. With not much to do, you finished your dinner swiftly so you could go back to your shared room.

As you were walking back, something other than Nanaba's words bothered you. Once it hit you, your eyes widened, stopping on your tracks and looking back at the wooden door you came out of.

Gelgar had finished all of Nanaba's bread.

Eventually, you had to force yourself to shake the thought off. Someone had most likely put it next to you because they weren't hungry anymore, it was a minuscule detail that you shouldn't be concerning yourself with.

Then again, it was a kind gesture. You didn't mind the extra rations, it was scarce to eat much as of 3 years ago.

Nearing your door, only one word circled around your head.

Family.

_"I know you are mad, who could blame you for that?" You closed the window, moving towards the wooden table, where fresh bandages laid neatly. "But you have to see, Y/n, that not everyone in this world is out to get you."_

_"Once they learn who we are, then they'll change their minds. All we are to humanity is a fucking blood bank, grandpa." Being as gentle as you possibly could, you began wrapping them around his head, making sure to cover his left eye. "We can't trust anyone but ourselves."_

_Erupting in wild laughter, your fists clenched. You walked to the small kitchen located in the living room. A house too small and in such bad conditions for someone to carry on with their everyday life._

_You lit up a fire, putting some water to boil while you fumbled around looking for a knife in good enough shape to cut some potatoes. Tonight, it was vegetables and soup yet again._

_Knife in front of you, you were able to see your reflection from its polished metal. Staring back at you were drab eyes, heavy bags resting under them. Your skin was coated in dirt, a few scrapes here and there marking their place just like some deeper cuts —now healed._

_Chapped lips parting, begging for some water. You had seen better days. The loud cackles sprang the quiet house with life, causing you to roughly stab one of the vegetables in the counter. It even made a mark on the wood._

_Oh how you wished that were someone._

_His tittering finally died out. "Ah, you still have lots to learn."_

_You were convinced your old man had lost his mind years ago. Or he was never bright up there. Nonetheless, he made you go crazy; your patience already crossing your thin drawn line._

_The sound the knife made when you carelessly took it out from its stuck position was immediate. A potato or two falling at the sheer force you used. You took the man by the collar of his wrinkled shirt, bringing his body closer to you. Your teeth gritting, creases in your forehead bringing out your now ablazed eyes._

_And yet he had the nerve to look at you with pity._

_"When will you realize that this world left you looking like dog shit covered in vomit?" You barked, shaking his pale frame —worn out with the years he has lived._

_He only grinned, making you shiver. His teeth, coated in yellow and even some missing had been enough to cut your breath short. His face got your heart beating harshly, or had it been your own once you saw what you were doing to your own family?_

_This was your grandpa you were talking to, where had your respect gone? And you said he was the one that went loony._

_Easing your grip, you aided him on finding his seat in his shabby rocking chair. "I'm sorry." You lamented, not looking at him when you knew his uncovered eye was on you._

_You had no desire for yelling anymore._

_"I'll realize it once you see that not every person revolves around the last name we carry."_

_He didn't add anything else, not like he had to. Of all the times you argued, it always ended with you acknowledging the fact that he was wiser than he let on. That as a matter of fact, you needed to learn so much from this world._

_How were you so sure he was the one out of it?_

Grunting at the memory, careful not to wake any of the sleeping girls, you threw yourself at the rigid bed. Your head hit the pillow, and even though it was supposed to feel as hard as a rock, a certain area stuck out more than usual.

You removed the pillow from its place, finding a small bag bound tightly by a rope. You inspected it cautiously, hand on your chin after deeming it no threat.

A piece of paper was attached to it, and you tip-toed across to the only window to get some light.

The moonlight was dim, but enough to make you see a single word written on the parchment. The handwriting was neat, straight from a newspaper even —the word wasn't crooked, beautifully written. It was hard to believe that it was wasted on such a loathsome meaning.

' _Vermin_ '

At least you knew who it was from, judging by the instant you rolled your eyes. You had half a mind to throw it out the window, not even wanting to see what was inside.

If it came from him, then you wouldn't be surprised if it were to be horse shit.

Despite the protests of your brain to tear the paper apart and chuck the bag his way, you ended up listening to your heart. Keeping the paper in the first place that came to mind, you grasped the so presumed gift that it came with.

You only had to listen to the rattling sound that came with the way you handled it to figure out the contents of it. Gasping, you had to bite your tongue so you wouldn't yell out profanities in the dead of the night.

What the hell was he doing?

Inside were coins, many.

Levi had given you money, but why?

You knew he was weird, with a strange nick for contradicting himself. Especially when it came to you.

Recalling your past conversation, you weren't sure if he had a change of heart or if he had you figured out from the very start. He did seem like a man keen on appreciating the small details —very observant.

Biting on your thumb, you stealthily navigated around the room. Finding some crumpled up paper near someone's bed, you borrowed a pencil placed upon the desk.

Your eyes squinted, trying to adapt to the poor light you had to work with. Trying to make as little noise as you could, the pen scraped against the table writing something on the blank sheet.

Not minding your handwriting, you attempted to write up a response fast. Satisfied with your answer, ultimately done, you quietly made your way out and through the castle, stopping at Levi's office door.

Not sure on where the man slept, it was a better idea to leave it where he worked. No one came by the office areas, and even if someone were to be around they wouldn't dare take something from the Captain's.

Your lips pursed at the sight of dim light coming from inside, wondering what he could be doing awake. Shaking off your curiosity for another time, you dropped the bag on top of the folded message and knocked on his door.

"Who is it?" Faint, but you heard it clearly. His voice was strained, laced with irritation caused by the late hours you assumed. He sounded drowsy, could he have been falling asleep?

"I said, who is it." Silence followed, then a sigh. "I don't have time for tedious jokes."

The moment you heard movement coming from his office, you bolted.

Levi opened the door once you turned a corner, safe from useless explanations or unnecessary punishments the day before the expedition. You made it to bed safely, and attempted to get as much sleep as possible to store up some energy. Fingers crossed you wouldn't get nightmares.

You didn't have much time to ponder about Levi and his strange habits, knocking out the instant your head hit the pillow. Now softer than you could ever imagine.

On the other hand, Levi sat behind his desk. The first thing he did was open up the bag, full of coins with no value to them. You had returned them, but he didn't know the reason why.

Then his eyes focused on the paper that came with it, wasting no time in unfolding it. He placed the candle closer to it, being able to distinguish the words carelessly scribbled down.

_I appreciate the fact that you are giving me money despite your words when I mentioned it. Sorry though, because I can't take it knowing I didn't earn nor deserved it myself._   
__

_You are not so bad, Captain._

_^I may regret that later._

_From Vermin._

_Ps. You are weird as shit, has anyone told you that?_

For your sake, his eyes moved past the last line. If he weren't so immersed in reading your actual answer, you might've gotten an inaudible snort out of him.

His face didn't show much difference to his go-to expression, yet his eyes seemed to morph into a darker shade of blue. The candlelight had no such effect; as he read it one more time there was a spark coating his tired eyes.

Paper tapping against his hand, again and again, Levi read its contents checking for any tricks or double meanings. He found nothing.

Not only did you not bother on checking if what he gave you was actual money, but if you were so desperately in need of it, what was the reason for wanting to get it with hard work done by yourself?

His little experiment turned out more complicated than it should have.

You had placed your trust in him, putting past encounters behind you. Not only that, you also addressed him by his title. The first time you've done that since meeting each other. Though he could assume it was more sarcastic than respectful.

Levi read your letter, coming close to memorizing your words. It had been imperceptible, the pout of his lips suiting his furrowed brows. His nose scrunched up, opening one of the top drawers to keep your message there.

Just what were you hiding? What made you end up here?

With that question in mind, doubting he'd get an answer anytime soon, he went back to reading some papers Erwin had sent him. Mind clouded by you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello this is so long HAH im sorry. as always thank u for supporting this story<3 kudos + comments keep on my toes n get a smile out of me. i hope u guys are enjoying this story so far! i am a big fan of complicated plots + hidden meanings n symbolism:)) again, thank u for showing love to this fic. it’s heavily appreciated !


	8. reflection of hope

The bell above Wall Rose's entrance rang, announcing the Scout's departure for another expedition.

Excited faces common along the crowd that made way for the soldiers. The usual 'Go kick some ass Commander!' or 'Look it's Captain Levi!' blocking out all other murmurs that came from Trost's citizens.

You rode alongside your squad, concentrating on the trip that was to come in a few short minutes. The crowd had been enough to irritate you, disgusted by each and every single individual. The looks on their faces were fake, you knew that all too well.

"What a bunch of shitheads." You kept your voice low to avoid any ruckus, but the Scouts around you heard it loud and clear. Gelgar had to snort at your comment, bathing in the nonexistent praise some women were giving him. You had to give it to him, he was positive.

Truth was, if a Titan attack were to happen and took the civilians with it, you most likely wouldn't care. Half of them were business pigs anyways. They were better off putting their beer stacked bellies to use as Titan snack.

Monsters, all of them.

A little girl's call to her older brother got your attention, giving a sideways glance their way. She eagerly tugged at his jacket, pointing at the Scouts with her free hand.

Her brother understood and gave her a smile, ruffling her hair as she pouted and continued talking. He picked her up, hoisting her in his shoulders. You didn't miss his expression, showing that he had been waiting to see their departure even before her sister had.

Her eyes were so full of color, the sun did her justice.

You had to suppress the small smile that wanted to make its way to your lips. Instead, your frown deepened the longer your stare lingered. The sight of them wasn't much appalling anymore, giving it a sense of dread as their eyes acted as mirrors you were looking directly into.

But there wasn't another silhouette anywhere near you. The difference between your side and theirs was that you were alone, and that got you good. A low hit to the gut.

You were never able to see the Scouts with your older brother.

"They are so naive." The words slipped out of your lips, low enough for no spectator to catch on it. When you registered your actions, your eyes widened for a fraction of a second and went back to look ahead. You made yourself look like an idiot, no surprise there.

Nanaba, with a smirk, focused on you —sitting on the horse to her right. "They are, but I suppose that's good."

"How so?" The younger of the two had her arms up, waving them as her smile got progressively bigger. Her eyes were big, sparks that filled them full of curiosity adding to them.

One of these days, as sad as it was, those eyes will dim until they weren't able to shine anymore.

"In a way, they give out hope. Their dreams are so far fetched, but they make them look achievable. We were all like that sometime ago."

"Couldn't agree with you more." Nanaba was wise, you could only wonder what led her to join the Scouts. Whereas her tone had a hint of melancholy that led you to believe she envied those kids.

"I wish that their hope won't die out. There's nothing worse than to be brutally hit by the reality that is our world."

It had been quick, but you were able to catch it before she wiped it off with her laidback smile.

Deciding on not pressing up on the matter, taking into account they were just about to leave for an expedition beyond Wall Rose, you cast a glance downwards. You paid no more attention to the siblings next to your group.

"Yeah, hope so." You muttered. To be reminded of the cruelness lurking through the shadows made you sick.

You were once a child with hopes and dreams too, unfortunately.

"Soldiers!" Erwin's voice boomed through the area. Voices quieted down, the gate opening being the only sound heard.

"The expedition begins now, go!" He yelled, raising his arm up and pushing forward. It was a clear order, followed up by soldiers' cries and hooves stomping on the ground as all of you left the confinement of the Walls.

Passing through the gate, you recalled your earlier conversation with Karl and Oskar.

_"Isn't it exciting? We are going outside of the Wall! Mutineer, tree man, cheer up a little!" The three of you were putting on your respective gears, Oskar kneeling next to you to fill up his gas tank._

_The latter halted his movements, turning around to face the other man who was proudly standing behind both of you. He claimed that his brother had prepared his gear for him beforehand, but Oskar and you knew that he woke up earlier than usual._

_"Tree man?" Karl sent him a nod, hurrying you both up so the three of you could get to the horses on time. Obviously he couldn't be late, now that he was the extra member of the 'marvelous-brilliant-ever-so-perfect-squad-full-of-perfection.'_

_Indeed, Karl's nicknames gained Wall jumping —without gear— privileges._

_"One more dumb name coming out of your mouth and I'm playing 'Who can get the ball in the circle' with you as the ball and a Titan's mouth as the circle."_

_"Then I guess I'll have to ignore you for the rest of my life." Oskar shook his head, watching as Karl pathetically struggled against you. In the end he was the one practically eating grass._

_"That was also for the time you shoved a dirty broom in my mouth."_

_"I did that because during dinner 2 days ago you blew on your soup so hard it got all in my face!" Pushing himself up, he raised a finger at you._

_"Look at you, pointing menacingly. If I pull it will you fart, please don't."_

_As usual, both you and Karl started to laugh. Oskar having a smile of his own at your utter stupidity._

_Seeing the two of you forgetting about everything that was going on for a small time was refreshing. He was aware you both struggled with your own problems, despite not having opened up about them yet._

_Still, he knew the bond you three had was unbreakable._

_"That was a good attempt at getting rid of his nerves." He glanced at you for a second, going back to Karl's retreating figure, mumbling complaints about taking too long._

_He saw your smirk, and the way your eyes shifted to the side. "I knew you also noticed his chicken legs. They were shaking so much I thought he was about to pee himself, and who am I kidding, he probably was."_

_"He's still excited though." That got a hum out of you, a low one._

_"What about you, tree man? Are you excited?"_

_Oskar understood why you were asking him. You were steps ahead, and read him like how you did the notebooks of his. It was baffling, being so good at analyzing and observation yet not getting a single read out of you._

_"You already know I'm not, not much anyway. There's no thrill when we are just going to be in Wall Maria's territory." Adding the finishing touches, he was now ready to go. "I will be though, when we get out of Maria after reclaiming it."_

_"Huh, didn't expect any less from you, tree man." With a pat on his back, you left him to go find Mike._

_There Oskar was, ticked off by the new name, but also enlivened. Things were about to change, he could feel it._

Oskar, to no surprise, had been right. After leaving the safety of Wall Rose you didn't get any giddiness nor a pang in your chest. The sky was bright and clear, the sun peeking through the smallest of clouds and causing you to squint.

Birds flocked around the vast greenery. Once in awhile a gentle breeze would sweep by, your green cloak wearing the Wings of Freedom flying behind you.

Disappointing. Feeling the same way you felt inside, because you were still in the Walls.

It was indifferent to you.

There were a few seconds left before Erwin ordered to engage in acorn formation —as you called it, because Erwin's name was too bland and long. Up ahead to your right rode Levi's Squad, the man in question going first with everyone else following behind.

Your nose scrunched up, close to sneering when you saw him. This morning's confrontation remaining very fresh in your mind.

_"Were you aware that the money I gave you was fake?" Your head turned to look behind you, seeing from the corner of your eye Levi's figure leaning against the castle walls._

_"Alright gentleman of the century, your Military Police corrupt complex is showing." He rolled his eyes, scowl settled on you as he stood with his arms crossed. "What's with the bad boy pose?"_

_In conclusion, your additional sentence did not help any of your cases in the slightest._

_"I don't know how to be more direct, Vermin." You swore that 'nickname' took years of your lifespan. Scracht that, him alone did it._

_No back and forth bickering today, you guessed._

_"No, I did not. If I did I would have sneakily put them in your tea."_

_You saw Levi's gaze, now directed to the opposite wall he was leaned up against. It remained there, his posturelaidback._

_"Honest, I didn't even check them thoroughly." You weren't about to concern yourself with his roaming around, checking if everything was as perfect as he wished. Raising your hand, you made your way outside to find Oskar and Karl._

_"Why?" He was now standing up straight, hands on both sides of his legs. Steel grey with a hint of dark blue pierced through you with their intensity._

_"No need to make it a huge deal. Everyone seems to trust your judgement so I'm just taking in their ways, you know, trying to listen since you think I'm bad at it." Truth wrapped the statement, bringing Levi back to the time he chewed you out for not listening to his directions. As a result, you got stabbed by none other than a random branch._

_Karl had laughed at you throughout the entire first fifteen minutes of his visit to the infirmary. Once he calmed himself down, he drowned you out with all his questions and concerns, thus cutting to him getting suffocated by you with the pillow the nurse provided in your small bed._

_Levi was about to say something, his mouth opening while words struggled to form. You had to be the one to cut him off, needing to desperately leave to meet up with your friends._

_"I'll see it for myself during this expedition."_

_You left him there, not being able to take notice of the glint in his eyes. Much like before, changing his usual eye color to a new shade of blue._

_He would keep an eye out for you out there today._

As soon as Mike started warning the squad, you broke the one sided eye contact. Mike needed you at your best, not only that but you required complete concentration if you wanted to make it back to the castle.

The group wasn't separated yet, severely increasing the chance of attracting more Titans towards all of you. Your leader was hoping for average small ones, but with the size of your group an abnormal had a better chance.

Movement caught your ear, already anticipating the entrance of one Titan. "A little bit behind us, to the right. Doesn't appear very big to me, it hasn't noticed us."

Mike nodded, yelling your words to Erwin who was in close range. The blonde gestured so you all knew he understood, turning around to wait for said Titan.

A few minutes later everyone could hear the approaching footsteps. Each one made the ground shake, moving rapidly in your direction.

You were about to leave the cluster of broken houses, getting ready to head into different positions. The Titan had other plans, to your displeasure, bolting straight for the last group of soldiers and swiping them down. Most of them had been knocked off their horses, 2 other soldiers being crushed by its hand.

Your eyes focused on its size, not looking very tall from afar. It didn't have any hair, his wide eyes void of any emotion as they solely were set on its lunch.

The Titan didn't even blink, your own eyes rivaling its own when its mouth opened wide. It was quick, placing both men halfway through and biting them down causing blood to splutter in every direction.

Its sick smile after devouring both soldiers would haunt you for quite some time. Ugly teeth coated in human blood made visible for all of you.

"So what do you think?" You faced Gelgar, looking at you with a small smile. His eyes scanned your form, softening at your wordless answer.

"Someone's throw up looks better than that thing." No matter what you said to try and cover yourself up with funny words, the group already knew. Your true answer was in the uncontrollable shaking of your arms, your hands gripping the reins tighter for some form of control over yourself.

Who were you kidding, it was terrifying.

Erwin gave the order to get in formation, Hange's and Levi's squads now farther away from Mike's. You saw Gunther patting his younger brother's back. Oskar paling at the spectacle that happened brief moments ago.

You three were all the same. You thought to yourself before turning back to the Titan, failing to notice a single set of eyes looking at you before focusing back on the task.

On the other hand, your gaze couldn't leave the Titan. You tried to, but you were glued to his movements, pending on what he would do next.

Dark, empty eyes landed upon you. Gulping, you saw the way it stood up straight and walked a couple of steps before breaking into a full run at you and the rest of Mike's group.

'My brain might've left for a sabbatical year.'

You were about to inform Mike, surprised that he was already assessing the situation.

"Y/n, with me!" Was all you heard, enough for you to guide your horse closer to his. Henning and Lynne crossed paths with you, ready to attack the Titan that was closing distance.

"I'm s—" Mike's voice cut your apology right when you arrived, shaking it off with his hand.

"No need, it's understandable. You are doing fine, now watch as they take it down." You stared at him, quickly recomposing yourself.

When you went to observe Lynne and Henning you saw the latter slicing his tendons. The Titan lost its balance, tripping and falling, the contact with the ground resulting in a loud collapsing sound.

It barely had time to react, Lynne sneaking up from behind and cutting at the nape. She had landed the killing blow, leaving the Titan to evaporate while they whistled for their horses, joining up with the rest of you.

"Nice one!" Thomas cheered, receiving laughs from both squad members.

Coming back from your initial shock, closing your mouth once you realized it had been hanging open, you spoke in an undertone.

"That was amazing." Mike took note of your expression, seeing the way your pupils dilated combined with the grin stretching across your face.

He smiled to himself. "You'll be like that in no time."

"Really?" You perked up, knowing your 3DM skills weren't exceptional nor average. You recognized the fact that you still had ways to go, fully accepting it.

"This is your first expedition, so you won't be doing much today. I want you to observe how each member of the squad works so we can perfect teamwork during training. If I see you are ready I'll send you along with someone else, you'll be their backup cutting their tendons or getting rid of their eyesight."

Your brows shot up, mouth agape processing his words. You felt an ache in your chest, right where your heart was, feeling it drop.

_"Once I'm a Scout and you become one later on I'll teach you everything! You'll be my backup and I'll land the killing blow. We'll be superheroes!"_

Dewy-eyed, fingers passing gently over your golden necklace, it hit you why you didn't want to disappoint Mike.

Unfortunately, you weren't able to dwell much in your past, not offering an answer to Mike either. Instinct acted out for you, feeling the presence of more Titans heading your way.

Mike seemed to have done so as well, sniffing the air. "Titan approaching! Gelgar, get ready."

Grabbing one of the swords, he pressed it closer to himself. Gelgar firmly answered with a 'Yes Sir!' and stood by the area Mike motioned for.

His judgement didn't sit right with you. "No," You choked up. "you're wrong." Mike's brows furrowed, waiting for you to say something else. You picked up on more movement than just one Titan.

"It's not one Titan, it's a horde of them." At the same time, Mike fired a red flare, sticking out amongst a cloud of green ones. He trusted you, making Gelgar come back to the group as to not get in any unnecessary danger.

"It's going to be impossible to relay a message with the current predicament we are under, if they are not dead all we can do is hope they've seen the green signals." Although with remorse, Mike's decision had been a smart one.

Henning, contrary to his superior, did not think the same way. "Sir we need to check on them! What if they can be saved?"

He didn't need a response, his concerns were voiced loudly with full intentions of changing the Squad Leader's mind. Sweat trickled down your forehead, watching as the group of Titans lurked closer. If they went on a quest solely on rescue, the chances of getting stomped on by one of them was high.

Tired of his supplications, you gritted your teeth and held your own input to yourself. Proved completely ineffective, his begging only getting louder and more drastic. You got it, Henning had a girlfriend that, assuming by his reaction, was placed on that side of the formation. Your head killed you, though, and he had piled up so much stress on the group you found yourself forced to quiet him down.

He was not important, she was not important. No one was important, it didn't matter.

You didn't get it.

"I'm not wasting my life in something hopeless! If they are dead they deserve it, period." You exploded, yelling at the top of your lungs and praying for him to finally shut up. Nothing was making sense to you at this point, growing anxious at the trembling of the ground.

Why did everyone have to be so goddamn stupid?

"Sorry I— yeah." Most of all, why did you have to be the stupidest one?

The rest of Mike's Squad remained silent, eyes opening up. Taking a quick decision and dealing with the outcome, that was the only valid option in war.

Mike glared at you, changing to concern at your panic that was slowly settling in. Sadly, this was not a place to comfort someone even if they needed it. You had to pick yourself up.

"I said no and that's final." Voice cold, making Henning close his mouth instead of yelling more nonsense getting to everyone's head. "Now that that's settled, everyone get your blades ready, we are going to have to take the Titans down ourselves."

It was a big group, around 5 to 6 Titans. There were 7 of you, but considering how odd it was to find a horde like this he needed someone to report the dispute to Erwin.

"Gelgar and Nanaba, Henning and Lynne, in pairs take 2 each. Thomas, I need for you to tell the Commander what's going on." Saluting, he left towards the center of the formation. Mike gripped your shoulder. "I know you are not ready, but easy start, you'll cut down the tendons of every Titan possible."

Going against it would get you nowhere, having no other choice but to agree to his plan and try to pull it off.

As the 4 aforementioned soldiers engaged in ODM and flew towards the group of Titans, you didn't give yourself a second of hesitation grappling your hooks and having them land on a Titan's leg. Propelling yourself with a pump of gas, off your horse you went, closer to the monsters.

Your biggest issue was balance, which was hard to deal with when you were in the air with nothing to hold on to. Lost in your thoughts, you came to the realization of why Mike put you in charge of the lower region, considering you needed something to aid you in movement.

Now it didn't look so impossible anymore.

With newfound motivation, you smirked as you lowered yourself to the ground and moved stealthily throughout it. Ironic really, gear use in the ground was the hardest to manage, but to you it was your biggest help.

You anticipated a Titan trying to grab the cable, making you instantly retreat it and fire it off again to a different part of its body. Hand in hand with your abilities, this was your current way to fight back.

Satisfied with your quick thinking and analyzing, Mike copied his Squad's actions and went for an instant kill. At the same time, you managed to cut down a Titan's tendons before it could swat away Gelgar's hook.

"Ha! That's our rookie." He gave you a thumbs up, cleanly cutting down the Titan's nape. "Your very first assist!" You didn't hear him, launching your hooks towards another Titan and repeating your previous actions faster.

Nanaba was the one to end the Titan exposed to your attack, bringing you into a side hug as she congratulated you on your bravery.

"You certainly give out hope." Earning a chuckle on your pat, you reciprocated the gesture.

Adrenaline pumped through your veins. You felt good.

Back on the horses, Thomas came back a little bit later. Steam surrounded you from the blood that splurged out by your violent cuts, leaving your forest green cloak neat as ever after a few minutes.

Smart move to turn away when it rained down on you. You were sure if it got on your face you would have threw up all you ate for breakfast —including Karl's and Oskar's breads that they were too nervous to chomp down.

Now you were all back on track, only green flares visible in the sky. Your necklace was safely stored under the shirt you were wearing, intact. You couldn't help but think about how Oskar and Karl were doing.

Not because of the Titans, but their respective leaders. Karl would probably piss himself because of Levi rather than a Titan about to eat him for lunch. Meanwhile, you prayed for Oskar's safety if Hange decided to run wild and lure Titans in.

If they weren't on the opposite side, you would have put that horde appearance on Hange's antics, based on your friend's words. You hadn't even met them.

Out of nowhere, a burning sensation in your heart bothered you. You chose not to tell Mike, even as it was getting more overwhelming by the second.

If it wasn't your body's answer to what you just did, then what else?

You felt a stab, then another one and so on. As soon as you realized that did your body get worse. Heat rushing through every part of you, head pounding causing you to flinch and slap a hand to your forehead.

_Turn left._

You looked around your Squad, wondering who had been the one to say that. Had that been a voice in your head? You didn't recognize it.

_Turn left._

"What?" You asked no one in particular, getting Mike's attention as he turned to you once again.

_Turn left._

_Turn left._

_Turn left._

"Why?" You dropped the hold on your reins, bringing your other hand up to your head and pressing against it. "Who is this? What are you saying?"

"Are you ok?" Whose face did that voice belong to? Gelgar?

_Turn left._

_Turn left._

_Turn left._

_Turn left._

_Turn left._

Sweat pooled around you, panting and trying to get rid of your headache. You shook it harshly, even tried hitting yourself to get rid of whoever was speaking to you. Ordering you to turn left and break formation.

Your breathing grew irregular, feeling no air return to your lungs as you gasped trying to get some.

_Turn left._

Mike tried to reach out to you, and a single touch on your arm was all it took for you to briskly get back down to Earth. Your eyes had been wide open, staring at absolutely nothing, getting zero reaction from you.

Like you lost yourself, moving as fast as possible with no control whatsoever, you grabbed the reins back up and roughly pulled on them. Your horse neighed, high pitched at the brusque care, and followed your silent pleads for him to turn left and move forward.

That was all it took for you to break formation.

"Did she just—" None of them had words for what happened, looking to Mike who was close to leading his horse right at you.

"Y/n!" He screamed, trying to get your attention. He couldn't leave, having to fulfill his job as a leader. Good thing Nanaba was quick to react, and with no permission needed moved to get you back.

He looked down at his hand. What just happened?

Closer to the center, Levi's group spotted no Titans or threats, giving their Captain the idea that nothing wrong was going on and that perhaps this expedition would not end in many casualties.

One of the very few ones being Karl's bladder.

A flare fired off far from formation. Karl's gasp made Levi look up from the bag his flares were in. A good reason to be scared, emergency flares were rarely used unless the circumstances were grave and could cause severe deaths or failure.

And the flare was no other color than purple.

"That's where Mike's Squad is located." Levi already knew, having heard Erwin rambling about the formation and placements for days on end.

The little hope he had, left as quickly as it came. Showing no emotion or loss of composure, he debated on his next choice.

"Y/n." He whispered, looking at Eld right after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi, it’s been a while!! hopefully this is good, i am not super proud of it but i tried to perfect it as much as possible:) thank u for all the love on this story, comments and kudos are always welcomed. they make me very happy HAHA <3 i like talking w u guys ehhe  
> thank u all ! i’ll try to update soon. i’m so glad u guys are enjoying this really:) have a good day !


	9. connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!! first of all i just wanted to thank all who are reading this, especially those who leave kudos and comments! it really motivates me, and they are really appreciated:) 
> 
> i really hope i’m doing levi’s character justice. i swear he’s so hard to write for zzzzzz

_Your whole life, you ran away. That was who you were, who you are and who you will be. It was the life bestowed upon you._

_No one would ever understand, the only people that did were 10 feet under now._

_Your name, a curse. Your life, a—_

Where were you?

You'd lost track of everything around you long ago. Now only one objective lingered on your mind.

You had to get to the village.

Giving your horse a light kick, it sped off towards an unknown direction. You had to get there.

No idea as to whom, where or what. Your inside voice, as you called, had been pressuring. Not even you acknowledged what had happened in those short seconds.

You just lost yourself, you still were.

But you had to get there. There, where? Your body shrugged it off. Fighting against oneself was useless given the situation.

The moment you broke formation was already your early funeral. Your demise would be proven nonsensical, or at least you itched for it to turn out that way.

To keep going was a struggle, combined with the odd fact that not a single Titan came up to you. You'd lost the confused shouting from your comrades, not conscious of the possibility of one of them going after you.

You knew you couldn't stop now, but being trapped inside your head was not doing you any good. You kept telling yourself to move back, pass it off as a wild instinct and move on with the mission.

Said idea had been turned down by yourself in the beginning, though you were fighting hard to grasp your control.

With no idea of where you were heading, you could spot houses in the distance.

Luckily, in front of you was a village.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

"Eld, you are in charge while I'm gone!" Levi then commanded for his horse to go to Mike's Squad, leaving his confused group behind.

Petra was the first one to snap out of her gaze, hazel focusing on his disappearing frame.

"Captain, wait!" Her pleads fell on deaf ears, causing her to look away and down at her own hands —knuckles whitening by the second.

"And to think this is Y/n's first expedition, what could have happened?" Petra's eyes only grew bigger once the realization of Eld's words started to pour on her.

Not only was her Captain heading towards a dangerous area, but you were in the middle of it. She believed wholeheartedly on Levi's skills —the biggest reason for her admiration— which opposed to your own basic ones. What if it was too late?

You were a friend too, as a member of the Special Operations Squad she wouldn't forgive herself if she weren't able to protect you.

Should she listen to her devotion to this squad, to put her trust on a mere chance and her Captain's skills? Or should she disobey, eventually causing Levi's disappointment?

She had waited so long to be accepted to this squad, it wasn't only her pride and joy, but her family's as well.

Nodding to herself, Petra knew the best outcome would come from trusting her own comrades and Captain.

"Hey, guys?" Sweat ran down Gunther's side, his mouth somewhat opened. "Where's my brother?"

Well, there would always be someone who chooses the opposite.

"That little runt," Oluo looks back, his scowl more prominent as he tries to mimic Levi's usual expression. "first he pees himself and now he's going to play her—"

A trickle of blood oozed from his mouth, small drops going everywhere from Oluo's tongue. Petra was wondering when he would do so again, considering it's been a long time since he's made a laughingstock out of himself.

"You're one to talk, idiot. That's what you get from running your mouth while on horse. By the way, your attempt at being Levi makes you look 25 years older."

"Considering he's older, it means I'm doing it right." Oluo smirked at Eld, the cockiest grin remaining as he expected no answer back.

"It wasn't a compliment!" Eld called out, reminding Oluo of the times he pissed himself to tone down his ego. It worked, the latter stuttering and trying to hide his clear embarrassment behind excuses.

Petra was the one to whisper to Gunther, smiling sadly at the thought of a possible disaster soon to come.

"Don't worry, he's strong and capable. Besides, Captain Levi will come to his aid if necessary."

Gunther smiled back, his eyes still facing forward.

"Thank you, Petra." He got rid of his worries quickly, having a mission to complete with as little deaths as possible.

Levi gritted his teeth at the sound of hooves from behind. He had a fair idea on who it was, and while he admired his resolve to help, an emergency situation during an expedition was not the ideal place to act as such.

"Did I say you could come with me? This is an expedition, follow the orders given to you."

In response to his cold remark, Karl bit his lower lip. Levi was right. He was their Captain all in all so what he says, goes.

Throwing his status and leadership aside, Karl faced his choice head on and defied his instructions for what he believed was the greater good. Despite his deep admiration for the man ahead of him, he couldn't back out now.

Or he could make it out to be a stupid mistake and go back to his group —his brother. But, what if Gunther was already disappointed in him? He could never forgive himself if that were the case.

He was following in his footsteps so far, doing an excellent job too. Such was the fruit of his diligence, he managed to get a 'trial' spot on the most important squad.

Would he throw it all away? Just for a mere ignored order?

"So?" He jumped on his saddle, his eyes landing on the top of Levi's head. The latter didn't turn around, engrossed on the chaotic mess they were approaching. "I don't have all day, and your little friend there doesn't either."

At the very least, he pulled him out of his own chaotic mess.

His brother, his squad, Oskar, everyone else... he knew their condition. Meanwhile, you were in an unknown state along with others. His choice had already been made before, but it meant to discard his morals.

But he was saving his comrades, and doing what a Scout should do, right?

He did recall the time you said his pride was as massive as the shit that came out of his Captain's mouth.

Fist upon heart, Karl shut his eyes tight and cried out.

"I apologize Sir! But I have to check on my friend, see if she's alright."

Levi gave him a look. Brows scrunched, narrow eyes and corners of his lips pointing down. He saw the pleading in Karl's eyes, thinking that maybe he'd start to beg.

Where had his ideals gone off to?

"Yes, that's why I'm here. You are not needed." He had to suppress a growl when Karl still followed regardless of his clear order.

The boy was not going to back out. He had made a choice, not regretting it whatsoever. Even when Levi stopped his horse and blocked his path, Karl was ready for whatever they could encounter.

Yet confidence did not matter. It resonated in Levi's head, people still died even if they assured they could handle their own.

He was not up to leaving Oskar alone.

"Sir you have to understand me!" Intertwining his fingers, he kept saying things faster and faster. "I can't just sit there and wait, what if something really bad happened? What if my friend dies?" He gulped. "I wouldn't have been able to prevent it, I wouldn't forgive myself and look at our friends in the eye again!"

His eyes crystallized, hands shaking from his violent grip. Karl mustered up enough courage to yell.

"If you're going to be in my way I'll just have to pass through!"

Faster than Levi could blink, a shadow went past him and back to the original course towards the purple flare. All he did was go after him.

Karl's expression told him everything. For a split second he was able to recognize the pure terror in his eyes, the same one that reflected upon his own during the end of his first expedition.

When he regretted not having done enough. When the only thing he could've done was to have been with his friends.

"Hey, mutineer!" With a puff, Karl turned to the side, not expecting to see Levi there. "Don't get left behind."

Once Levi had seen the smirk on his face, something inside of him bumped against his chest. Giving him the hope that perhaps you were fine, and that the next time he'd see you wouldn't be without a body or a head.

"Karl!"

Both men shifted to Oskar catching up to them, seemingly in a hurry. He addressed Levi with an informal salute which he dismissed. "What are you doing out of your position?"

Levi had no idea why he even bothered to ask. Still, ignoring every sign on his face that gave away his brood, he let the cadet take his time.

"Section Commander Hange saw the flare and determined it came from Mike's Squad, they sent me off to check on them and see if there are any abnormals."

_'That walking filth fest.'_

Levi sneered, accompanied by Karl's obnoxious laugh at his excuse, pointing at the obvious blonde hairs sticking to his forehead as he sweat off his discomfort.

"Was it that, or something else?" Oskar rolled his eyes.

"Maybe both, but nevermind that, didn't you piss yourself? You shouldn't be here."

It took those words for Karl to yelp and snarl profanities at his comrade. Oskar kept snickering at the lack of denial, already picturing your reaction once you'd find out.

Bickering in the middle of a possible rescue mission in the middle of their first expedition, with Levi stuck in front of the two. He couldn't stop himself from clicking his tongue, muttering to himself.

"You three are a shit stuck up in my ass." _Especially_ you.

Minutes later Levi could spot a lone rider, frantically following a path not established in formation. Karl and Oskar were quick to yell out your name, causing whoever it was to turn around and check on who they were.

"Captain Levi!" The voice called out to him, making his horse go faster while the two behind tried to keep up with the pace.

"Nanaba," He nodded at her. "what's going on?"

"I— I have no clue, really." The moment Levi scoffed, she reiterated herself and tried to find the words to put in place. "It was really weird. Everything was going well, when Y/n started acting very distressed, as if someone was talking to her without having been none of us." The three men followed her course, keeping track of the horse hooves on the ground. "Then Mike touched her and she just, broke formation and left on her own."

"Of course, she just has to live up to the brilliant nickname I gave her." Karl shrugged, earning dirty looks from Oskar. "Also, everyday I'm more convinced she was dropped as a child."

"Like you are one to talk." He gaped at his answer. Didn't take long for them to go off, squabbling like the idiots they were. Levi didn't understand how he was having so much patience.

One of them spent too much time around Oluo and the other had to be within close distance of Hange, it couldn't be surprising.

"Brainless runt." Levi now regarded you, looking at Nanaba from the corner of his eye. "Now what?"

The woman kept pushing her horse to go faster, entering a vast area covered by a heavy fog. "I'm sure she went this way." Even if you did, which you had done, anything was impossible to distinguish.

"Stay close to eachother." Was the only order Levi gave before Nanaba suggested everyone to say something repeatedly as not to loose track of one another.

Levi couldn't help but widen his eyes a fraction at the never ending mist. There was something very wrong, he noticed when the fact that Erwin never mentioned a place like this in the map went through his head.

If they weren't able to find you, he doubted anyone else could find both his group and you.

One hand was placed near his blade storage, anticipating a Titan ambush sooner or later. There were no other sounds except the horses and the four of their voices, with no response from you even when some screamed for a sign of live.

Their voices were shaky, Levi knew they couldn't stay here for long before desperation took over.

Eventually the four of them had to squint their eyes at the sudden brightness that penetrated through the murk. Blinking, attempting to adjust to the unforeseen light, they realized they had made it out.

"Where are we?" Nanaba was first to point out. There stood a village, small in size lacking the average number of houses. Everything was in perfect condition, to everyone's surprise, though very antique judging by the style.

"Beats me." Getting out of his horse, exhausted from the ride, Oskar walked forward and inside.

"Wait, the fog!" He did not get to tie his horse, ready to explore. Karl's claim made him face where they came from, shocked to see that the fields were as clear as ever. Most puzzling was the absence of Titans lurking around.

Levi and Nanaba sported similar reactions, really out of place with the atmosphere around them. It got Levi thinking, what if they were all collectively killed by a Titan, and this was a weird allusion they were under?

This village was nowhere in Erwin's maps, despite paying minimal attention he was sure of that.

"Ignore it, we'll worry about everything else once we've found the idiot." And with that he pushed all his thoughts to the back of his head, joining Oskar's side as calm as ever.

Nanaba didn't hesitate, Karl taking a bit more time as he did one more spin around. Venturing inside, finishing tying up the horses to rest, hadn't felt any weirder. Like a common village inside the Walls.

Except for the fact it was completely empty.

"I don't like this..." Karl trailed off, looking around for anything remotely suspicious. "What if she was abducted by a Titan cult or something?"

"I see the fog didn't leave, but travelled up to your brain." Levi was sure he would make him study his own paperwork after this weird ass expedition.

At the looks he got, he turned back around and walked closer to the houses. While Oskar knelt besides some plants, hypothesizing them being a rare variation from a previously studied one, Karl stopped by a carved wooden sign.

"Look at this." He got the attention of the others, all reading the same thing.

**TO THOSE WHO SEEK**

**FREEDOM VILLAGE**

Under the sentence was a symbol, half painted in a white color in contrast to the darkness of the opposite side.

"These look like the Wings of Freedom." Oskar said, placing his finger on the drawing and tracing its shape.

Nanaba hummed. "It does, but those look like butterfly wings."

Said observation piqued Oskar's interest enough, walking above everyone and venturing in its ghost streets.

"If that's a butterfly, she's here."

Leaving their horses, and preparing their gear, they shot up towards a roof of one of the houses. They were tall, strangely enough that they weren't able to see anything above them from under.

"Y/n!" Oskar called out, his gaze leading towards a figure who stood much like them. The three coming along noticed you too, although without receiving as little as a flinch. You were unresponsive.

Right at the moment, Levi noted that you were not alone, and the world stopped for a second when he made out the figure of a rather small Titan standing in front of you.

"Shit, get away from there!" He roared, falling on deaf ears as not even the Titan saw their figures coming closer to the pair. You were not attacking the Titan, and it wasn't doing so either.

The three men attempted to kill the thing before it could get to you, abruptly stopped by Nanaba's arm as she whispered to them.

"Wait."

So they remained on stand by, witnesses of the rarest Titan interaction that has ever unfolded.

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

You were terrified.

The strange voice in your head left you as you arrived to the peculiar village. Disappointed, you had no other choice but to scream for help and fire off flares. When no one came, you thought it would be best to look around for something such as food or water.

You didn't dare entering the houses, not knowing if people lived inside and they were gone off hunting or a temporary evacuation.

Stumped, you settled for a quick stroll, finding a perfectly intact village surrounded by thick vines and odd shapes hidden in the greenery that you deemed poisonous. There was also a well, hope rushing through you as you went to check it out.

You couldn't stop the twitching of your eyes as you saw it was in vain.

Coming out with nothing, you climbed up a house and fired off more signal flares from above the ground. Again, futile.

Frankly, you didn't give up yet. You'd give enough time for your horse to rest and leave as soon as possible. You could use this time to think about what to say to everyone, convinced you were going to get your ass chewed by Mike, Erwin and most likely Levi too. For whatever reasons.

Letting out an irritated sigh, kicking the air, you managed to set off a pebble. It had been that action that snapped you out of your thoughts, turning around slowly.

The pebble hadn't touched the ground below.

Your breathing halted for what felt like forever, turning erratic at the sight gracing you. Big, wide eyes stared at your petrified figure.

A smile never brought so much dread.

The Titan didn't move, not even when you moved. In spite of the fact that you pulled out your blades, he made no sign of coming to get you.

Before you attacked, ignoring the voices that called out to you mere moments ago, you had asked a question.

"Were you the voice guiding me here?"

Greeted by silence, it was to no one's astonishment that the Titan didn't answer. Instead, its eyes moved down towards the rest of your body, and its arm finally lifted.

Thinking it was about to grab you, one of your blades blocked his hand from going farther. Your brows furrowed at the lone finger pointing at your chest, was he not going to eat you?

It hit you, then, what he was pointing at. Your necklace hung on display, not hidden under your shirt anymore. Its eyes were solely focused on it, and while you were sure you were going to be chased you were quick to figure out he wanted to touch said gem.

As if you understood him perfectly, your hand grabbed the figure and pressed it closer to you. All previous traces of fear turning to defensiveness.

"No."

The Titan didn't seem to comprehend your actions, and his finger moved closer and closer. You took a single step forward, your eyes filled with rage as you swiped your blade at it singlehandedly.

"I said don't touch it!" You barked, slicing off the top half of its hand. Steam was fast to appear, the Titan having not reacted to your counter.

Its blood ferociously spluttered all over your face, causing you to close your eyes and press your lips together to avoid any from getting in.

Aware of Levi's presence behind you, your arm implored for him not to do anything. With the back of your hand, you wiped off as much red as you could. Nose scrunching up in disgust, the smell almost unbearable.

You had to hold back a painful gag, your body trembling in response. Full with chills.

Nevertheless, you didn't get very far. Gasping, you opened your eyes to white all around you, not in control of your own body anymore. Not even the voices of your friends, of Levi, could bring you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh n for clarification, i picture levi younger so the age gap isn’t as big, although this is a heavy slow burn so things will take a while hehehehe


	10. shared burden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi !!! enjoy ♡

_Loud cries were the only noise in the coast. Voices begging for mercy, to spare them from the abyss that awaited them. Mocking laughs opposed, drowning out the misery that was the single line of kneeling people soon to meet their demise._

_A man, at first glance not much different from the rest, took a deep breath with his eyes closed. He looked up at the sky, the sun would be setting any time now._

_The corners of his lips twitched upwards, wanting to laugh out loud as he muttered his words._

_"What a beautiful day to be punished."_

_Instead, he began to chuckle quietly to himself. Eyes tightly shut he pondered what was better, this or death._

_No one really knew the answer to that, huh? During these trying times, surviving and dying seemed like 2 sides of the same coin._

_"I'm sorry." In between sobs was a second man, facing away from the sight of his wife kicked off the edge before lighting struck on her. From the sand down below, where the woman was supposed to be, rose up a Titan. Her perpetual smile spurring nightmares on all those who saw it._

_"It was not your fault." Him and the now widower observed the Titan walking away from them, entering the Island. Somehow, the man couldn't stop smiling either. "Besides, this is the closest we'll ever get to freedom."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_When the crying man ended his question, the Sergeant Major in charge of the lot stopped right behind them. "You two devils, be quiet!"_

_He couldn't see what was happening, entranced by the bright day that turned out to be. He knew, though, that the Officer was preparing his deathbed. He was next._

_With one last smile, tears threatening to pour down his eyes, he glanced towards the one beside him._

_"I mean, what else other than death could cause the way I feel? There's no hope for us, for the unlucky bastards that are born into this world and placed in the family I come from. We are not representatives of freedom, it's the very last name that's supposed to mean it that brought us to this."_

_Tears streamed through his face, crystalized eyes now back at the sky he so dearly appreciated._

_"One way or another, we are destined for a painful death."_

_Something pricked his neck. Soon a foot landed on his back, pressing and pushing him forward. Weeping, smiling, he could only close his eyes mimicking sleep._

_But before lighting engulfed him, the other man and everyone else present could hear his shouting loud and clear, followed by maniacal giggling._

_"I accept my destiny! I accept the burden I carry by bearing this family name, curse everyone who has been born with it!"_

_All Officers and the only one kneeling watched his Titan walk far inside the greenery that the isle presented. The Sergeant Major cackled, puffing out smoke from his cigarette._

_"We've done him a favor, reuniting that wretched demon with the rest of his diabolical family. Pity, I wonder if they live alright."_

You weren't able to see anything else. The farther the Titan went, the clearer your own world became.

Your eyes tried to focus on something, on it. The Titan that wanted to grab onto the necklace you wore, the Titan whose blood opened up your mind to a moment in time you weren't able to understand.

What was happening there? Where were they, no, who were they? Why were they out there?

So many questions that you needed an answer to. Was he talking about your family? If that was the case, it made no sense at all.

A shaky breath followed by a gulp. You came face to face with the Titan again, ignoring the four behind you. Levi held his blades, ready to let them free if there was incoming trouble.

"Was that you?" To make it see what you were referring to, you pointed to your own head. A silent gimmick that you saw something just then.

Still, its eyes dropped to your necklace again. He made no gesture that he got what you implied, and if he did he wasn't at all for answering. You let out a sigh, turning back to face Levi, waiting for you along with the rest.

"Let's go, now." His voice was firm, scowl more prominent than ever. He placed his blades back, gesturing for Nanaba to take your horse back to where the others were.

You didn't talk back to him, simply accepting the order. No idea as to what was to happen once you set foot back in Headquarters.

Though, what went on next left a bitterness that not even Levi's rage could compete with.

The four remaining came to a stop, sissing coming from your backs. Your heads moved to look at the Titan, lips parting to try and formulate some kind of words. With mouths agape, and Levi's wide eyes, the only thing you could all do was stay put.

"Si..." It dragged on the syllable, huge eyes looking down at you. "Si...n."

"This is the wildest fucking dream." Karl was first to snap out of it, laughing to himself shortly after. "That thing, talking? Yeah right. I knew I couldn't have pissed myself in real life." He kept blabbering, hand movements and all as he tried to get you all to agree with him.

Meanwhile, deep noises —closely related to animalistic growls— formed in the Titan's throat. It was struggling to speak, his hands roughly grabbing his head.

Oskar moved closer to you, glancing sideways for a split second to come across the utter shock that described your face. Your breathing was silent, scared that it could be loud enough for the monster near.

"Sin..."

Your heart dropped.

At that point, you figured out what it was trying to convey. You didn't like it one bit. More so, you had to stop him before he could complete that word.

Panting, gasping for air that you had trouble inhaling. Your eyes were unblinking, your hands trembling as the hold on your blades only tightened. Soon, within you something snapped, teeth gritting as your brows furrowed deeply.

To you, nobody mattered but you and _it_.

You were breathless with anger.

"Shut your fucking trap!" You called its attention, practically growling your words. You seethed, waving the metal closer to its ugly face.

It had the audacity to open its mouth again; as soon as it did that, poking its tongue out for a split second, you acted.

"I said to close your damn mouth you filthy shit! Don't dare finish that or I'll be the one finishing you, you don't know what you are saying!" Taking short breaths in between, you kept yelling at it, closing in so you could destroy him.

You had Levi's wholehearted attention, displaying your shaking and spat out words to him. He recognized that language, he embraced it for comfort in certain times throughout his life.

While he wanted to confront you in some way, he also knew it was better to let you get everything out first. No matter how painful it could be to watch.

"You want this stupid fucking garbage!" Grabbing the golden necklace so very valuable to you, you tugged it harsh enough to take it off, dangling it in the air right in front of it, tauntingly teasing the hands creeping closer. "Then go get it if you so desperately want to!" Using all the strength you could muster, you chucked the jewelry as far as humanly possible.

Levi, remembering the only lasting conversation you had with him, could only look at the shiny piece fly through the town you were at. His lips parted, wanting to know what the hell you were even doing. Wanting to understand you.

He had to force his mouth shut.

He could see right through you, what you were going through was bad. And as a Captain, he felt helpless, not knowing how to help you other than killing the thing. Alas, he had a good idea that you were about to do so next thing.

What was he thinking, letting you reach this point?

You swiped down your blades, full intentions to cut its entire tongue off. Finding yourself disrupted by the screeching coming from the Titan itself, who was not paying much mind to the discarded necklace, but rather you.

"Y/n!"

Oskar pushed you back to Levi, you being able to see him put himself in the way of the two of you. His hardened, brown eyes silently scolded you, not being able to see more when a giant hand opened up from Oskar's back.

Your head was pounding, feeling the thumping of your heart in your throat. You tried to shout at him to fight back, useless as fingers closed themselves around his body, earning a painful scream from the boy.

"No." You thought it had been louder than the whisper it turned out as, vision interrupted by a sharp turn of your body to face the Captain's.

The last sight from your first expedition being his fist coming in contact with your stomach, concerned deep blue observing you falling and knocking out almost instantly.

Jumping in place, you woke up with a jolt of your body. It appeared to be asleep, costing you a lot to even move, grasping where you could be.

A roof above you, safe to say you weren't outside anymore. Whimpering quietly, you tried to sit up ignoring the ache in your stomach and the ringing inside your head. Your moves were slow, dreading the unwillingness of your own self.

You didn't know if you could handle it, leaning against the headboard as you closed your eyes again. A few minutes of complete silence, you trying to concentrate hard enough as if the pain were to subside.

A noise disturbed you, facing the open window and flowing white curtains. Wind swiped inside the room you were in, the chirping of birds and shaking of leafs soothing you. The day was sunny, not a single cloud visible in the sky, scorching heat making it hard to go outside and train. If you were to be in the castle, you supposed that was the reason no one was running around.

A wooden table stood next to your bed, observing a cup and a piece of paper under it. First, you took said paper, inspecting before deciding if drinking whatever was in the cup was wise.

Truthfully, you didn't really crave the piss flavored watered down tea that Levi and the others drank with so much pleasure.

By others, you meant Karl and Oluo.

**_Hopefully this helps a little. We'll come visit soon!_ **

**_Take care, and get better._ **

_\- Nanaba & Petra_

Unconsciously, you beamed at the gesture, and without hesitation, you gulped down the odd textured liquid. Coming from them both, you had nothing to fear; ignoring the nauseating taste of the homemade medicine. Despite how bad it had been, it would benefit you in the end.

You wondered where everyone else was, if they were ok and uninjured.

Nothing else was to be done, your body too sore and tired to even get out of bed and carry on with your day. You were about to try to get some sleep again, to then become surprised at the stirring that came from beside you.

Most likely being in the medical ward of Headquarters, there were more beds to your sides. Although only one seemed to be occupied, this room being smaller than the infirmary you had been shown when a random Cadet gave you three a tour.

Once the covers were pushed back by the hurt Soldier, his chocolate colored hair you grew accustomed to see every day for years gave away instantly who it was.

"Oskar?" You croaked, voice strained and throat dry. You coughed, clearing your throat, wishing for some more than needed water.

The boy didn't say much, remaining unmoving in the white bedding. With some time, he was able to fully open his eyes, neck turning slightly to meet your frame. His half lidded eyes landed upon what he could see, a smile etching its way onto his face.

"I'm glad you are good." More like a murmur, his condition was probably similar to your own if not worse. He looked tired, battered down. And as your eyes searched for any fatal injuries on his own body, you took notice of the bandages that dressed him entirely from the neck down.

That had been your trigger to remembering everything that had happened on the expedition, to see the reason you were resting in this place. The terror of the Titans, the desperation of the Soldiers to save their friends and loved ones, the panic, the chaos...

The village.

The Titan.

The vision.

Your actions.

Oskar was in that bed, because of _you_. His entire body had been crushed by a Titans hand because of _you_. Your own decisions that brought you to that precise moment caused misery in others.

You just weren't able to make one correct choice in your life.

Silence grew in the room, you gritting your teeth in response, looking down at the sheets that shielded you from the lighter wind.

You didn't look at him, too ashamed to do so.

"I'm so sorry." You uttered. Nonetheless, it wasn't enough, thus you kept repeating the same words over and over, louder and louder, until you could convince yourself that you could be excused from your mistakes.

You were so into your own mind, that you couldn't catch the affirmative words Oskar was giving you in return. You kept going and going and going, until your friend couldn't take it anymore.

"Y/n, shut up."

That, you did.

You didn't want to face him, not yet at least. The memory of your lost self watching as he pushed you out of the way, clearly seeing the hand that stretched out behind him. Yet, you didn't say a word.

"It's fine, really." He tried to shake it off with a small laugh, proving unfortunate when he flinched at a sudden pang he felt. "Just tell me, what the hell happened? What went wrong for you to act that way?" He was so quiet, practically whispering.

"I want to help." A pause engulfed you two, followed by the softest voice you've heard in a long time. Your name slipping out of his lips, not scolding, giving you warmth. "What burden are you carrying with you?"

Feeling like you were a little kid, having done something bad having no blame to what you had done. It was too good to be true.

Those times we gone, never to come back.

But his words were oh so loud and harsh. His piercing stare didn't falter, not even when you couldn't give him an answer. You didn't understand what you saw, you didn't choose to see that strange vision. You had no idea what it was telling you, and you had even less of a clue why you heard that voice and why it brought you to that place.

You had an answer running at the back of your mind, but you wanted it not to be true.

What even was that village?

If Oskar couldn't see the way your stomach moved up and down, he would have thought you were a statue. Only did he look away from you when he heard the door opening, looking back to see that it didn't even get a move out of you.

Not able to offer him another answer that wasn't 'I'm just as confused.' you focused back on what you did and said. Your eyes widened, hands going up to your neck where you should have felt the familiar golden necklace that you never took off.

"My necklace," Your hand rummaged through the wooden surface of the table, wishing that what you thought about it being in some unknown village was fake. "where is my necklace?" You kept patting the bed, pillow and sheets.

"I have it." Your eyes snapped to said object swaying in the man's hand, like you did back in the village. He talked as usual, not showing an inch of what he was truly thinking about. His narrow eyes scrutinized you, you could feel it. His glare only intensifying when you met his terrifying state drenched in pity.

He hated that.

No, he hated seeing that coming from _you_. Somebody he branded as strong willed, despite it all.

This was even worse than the time you two had been close to physically fighting each other.

You were sitting on the bed, he was standing close to it. The difference in height wasn't so bad, and yet you felt as if he towered over you when it was usually the opposite. Pressuring and uncomfortable, you knew you had to switch the roles carefully if you wanted to get out of whatever was about to unfold unscathed.

"But first," Flicking his hand, the necklace was safely stored inside his pocket. "me and you are about to have a talk." You spotted, then, that he spat out the mention of yourself. Almost snarling.

Many times had he looked at you with plain disinterest, disregarding you completely. This time, he was truly utterly disgusted by you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... we got a lot of individual and relationship development to go thru... man.  
> next chapter will be called rising tension, see u there <3 a lot of levi moments will be coming in the future i promise 
> 
> thank u so much for supporting this story, especially those who leave kudos/comments. whenever u interact or not i thank u a lot for choosing to read and stick w/ this story. we got a lot of plot to get thru !!


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